Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Good luck & Godspeed.

It's that time of year when we all evaluate ourselves, realize we smoke too much, have too gigantic an ass, or owe Visa our first born, and so make big plans to erradicate bad behavior or instate good behavior or just stop eating entire fetal pigs while watching Jeopardy (which, amazingly, is a rather widespread phenomenon). We hope that by February, the chain-smoking fatty we once were is now a marathon running, smoothie-drinking, vaguely annoying pseudo-yuppie. You know, the one with really weird looking calves who wears cream colored turtlenecks and checks his stocks on the bus. And then, if you're like me, you realize: wait a minute; that guy is horrible. I hate that neo-Puritan, organic-soy, mixed-greens, my body is a temple of the holy ghost jackass who works on the second floor and has teeth that are radioactively white and who, instead of eating Dim Sum at lunch, goes for a run in sheer, testicle strangling running underpants.

But it's important to remember: there is middle ground. You can get healthier and not be too healthy. And yes, there is such a thing. Wheat grass, after all, is brandy's bitch. So whatever it is you've resolved to stop doing or start doing, I wish you the best of luck, remind you to not go overboard, and, well, if you see that guy from the second floor, poke him with something sharp for me.

Birdmonster too is making resolutions. We've resolved to record an album late in the year. We've resolved to not run another van into oblivion. We've resolved to go off to a cabin and write some songs. We've resolved to go on a California tour this month (starting, say January 19th) and then a long national one sometime mid-March. We've resolved to let you know who won that contest tomorrow (or today, maybe). We've resolved to write an opus about Lavar Burton's sexual exploits. It's going to be a big year.

Of course, it's also a good idea to take a step back and realize that today is probably really similar to December 21st, for example. I'm at work, I'm not working. I'm making plans. I'm rambling. The point? As always: who knows. I just wish you luck with whatever cockamamie, 2007 plans you've concocted. As always, this is the year. Or, rather: this is the year. Or, most fittingly: this is the year. Or...you get the idea. Godspeed.

24 comments:

Sabrina said...

Yes the same old plans, I have once again arisen to a brand new year with visions of oweing no man! oh.. the morgage doesn't count does it?
*purging my body of impurities
*and making Crunch Fitness refund me for the last 3 months of 2006. Just because!
I just peeked at your upcoming shows. Lot's of opportunities to see Birdmonster in the next few months!
Here's to burping up Wheatgrass all day long!

birdmonster said...

Sabrina: Wonderful to see you too. Liked the haircut (note: if it wasn't a different haircut, I blame the booze. And the 20/400 vision).

And no. The mortgage does NOT count. Only loansharks really count. If they can break your knees: pay them. Soon.

David P said...

I had two resolutions last year. The first was to quit smoking. The second was, at some point in the year, to be having so much fun that I would actually, honestly, for serious, throw my hands in the air and wave them like I just don't care. Guess which one came to pass.

Sabrina said...

Yeah I chopped my hair. Your eyes did not deceive you. I donated 17 inches of headache to Wigs for Kids. It's a charity that makes wigs for children with cancer, who have lost their hair from radiation therapy. I have been wanting to do this for years and finally did it! A pre New Years resolution has been accomplished! No lie, I lost 2 lbs. I weighed the hair prior to shipping... but I gained it all back with a box chocolate, cherry pie, ice cream and too many 5+ course holiday meals!
Thank God I don't owe any of those people! I wouldn't be able to stomp my feet..
Loading you guys onto my new Zune this week, I recorded snipets of New Years Eve on my digital camera. I hope it comes out! I got a good one of Peter applying my lipstick.

david p, I hope it was the latter! if you're having that good of a time you don't need to be smoking!Going to quit this year myself or i'll be needing that hair back. Justin, I'll be needing some of those locks!

Hey, if you get someone elses hair implanted and commit a crime. Who's DNA will show up at the scene? This is scary?

kasi said...

Last year I made a resolution and actually stuck to it. I'm healthier today than I was at this time last year, so I call that success! As for this year's self-made-lie, I have resolved to never leave the house without concealer. Not so much for vanity as it is for keeping the public from having to bare witness to the ridiculous circles that have decided to rent space under my eyes. (somehow I sense I missed some punctuation in that mess). I blame my eyes for being so deepset and not from lack of sleep at any time. Happy New Year to you!

Sabrina said...

Now this is a resolution my boyfriend would love me to make. With work and the kids I think I wore makeup a total of 20 times last year. I tell myself, I'm going for the natural look. But this is just my way of saying I don't want to deal with it. At my age I either need to copy your resolution or pray for lotto winnings to get my age spots and dark circles zapped!

birdmonster said...

David: Throwing hands in the air and waving hands like you just don't care is the best resolution ever. Hold on. I need to do so. Take that work. You're jealous.

Kasi: I too have the perpetual, plum-colored...plums under my eyes. I, unfortunately, cannot wear makeup. Unless I'm going to Kimo's, of course.

Sabrina: That DNA/wig comment is a mystery novel waiting to happen. Get crackin. Also, glad I was with it enough to notice. I'm patting myself on the back with the hand I waived in the air like I just didn't care.

kasi said...

Sabrina: Please, take the resolution as your own and look at your age spots with love!

BM: Of course you can wear makeup! They do have mens lines for stuff like that...just make sure you use it with discretion, or people will be calling you Rupaul.

Sabrina said...

you appeared quite sober New Years Eve? or have you just mastered to art of standing straight while inebriated? I don't recall slurred speech at the pool table either?
*A pat on the back is well deserved.

Oh and I must give you kudos for the stroke of midnight kiss you gave your girlfriend! Now that was Cute!
*Men take note!
also my daughter took it upon herself to politely set some women straight in the bathroom that you were a taken man.

Kasi, I always told myself I'd grow old gracefully but that was when I was younger. I won't do anything drastic like Michael Jackson but I'm not loving the spots!

Chris Walker said...

Sexual exploits of Lavar Burton? Oh my, you guys don't know what kind of shit you're getting yourselves into. See for yourself.

elvette said...

Dance like nobody's watching is always a good one. But I don't know if it really counts as a resolution if it's something you already do it sober.

That leaves paying off Visa and building enough upper body strength to do one lousy pull-up.

birdmonster said...

Sabrina: Many thanks all round. I was indeed not quite too drunk. Billy Joel is too hard blotto. And cute, while not what I aim for, was necessary. It's NYE ferchrissakes.

Chris Walker vs. Giordi LaForge: Ew. That was just odd.

Elvette: I like that. Or dance like everyone's watching and you enjoy embarrassing yourself.

Sabrina said...

Cannot click on anything labled Sexual for fear of being fired.

being cute w/o trying is even better, That means you're not fake!

I can do something that resembles a pull up but not really. Now.. kickboxing, I can do that!

I regularly dance like everyone's watching when no one is watching. It's exhilarating w/o the embarassment

Chris Walker said...

I told you, dude, you don't know what you're getting into with LaVar's sexual exploits.

Just in case you cared it originally stemmed from this and this. I don't know if that makes it better or worse.

Libby said...

Yes, I think everyone knows what you are referring to. My mom is going on the South Beach Diet to lose 20 pounds, even though she only weighs 110.

Incredible.

krisan said...

this is the first birdmonster blog post i've ever read, and i must say i'm quite pleased. a portion of my new years resolution will be to read this blog more regularly. you know...while studying, drinking lots of water, and snacking on carrot sticks. i say its a start.

birdmonster said...

Chris: It makes it worse. So much worse.

Libby: That's unfortunate. I say you feed her Almond Joys while she sleeps to offset the lunacy.

Krisan: Ah, welcome. Do check back. And forget the carrots. Carrots are terrible. Unless stewed. Then they can be eaten. And don't even talk to me about peas.

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