Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Today, it's all about learning. And the Learning Annex. And Learning from the Learning Annex. Something like that.

"Main Menu. Please select a function."


"How much would you like to withdraw?"


"Insufficient Funds. Would you like to do anything else?"

"Return Card."

"Thank you."

"I hate your face."

I learned yesterday that budgetting is not my strong suit. I should have been bringing Kraft singles and Wonderbread to work. I should have enjoyed free office coffee with that weird oil slick effect that Coffeemate gives any liquid. I shouldn't have gone to those shows or bought those drinks or that Faberge Egg. But I did. I ate Dim Sum instead of grilled cheese, I bought coffee that didn't taste like a burnt tire, I purchased a bejewel egg owned by Tsar Nicolas.

So I figure, maybe I should sign up for a Learning Annex class. I'm sure that someone in the world of adult education can clue me in on ways to solve my monetary woes. I went to their website, I picked up their brochures, I browsed until I could browse no more. I signed up for "Gyrate Your Way to Health with Hula Hoop Fitness," "Intro to Pole Dancing," and "Communicate with the Other World" before realizing I'd put $160 on my credit card, thus defeating the whole purpose of looking for money management seminars.

The big problem: you have to pay money to learn how not to spend money. Seems, well, counter-intuitive. Aren't I ahead of the game if I just don't go in the first place? See, I done outsmarted the Learning Annex. I'd rather be a hula-hoop thin, pole-dancing, paranormal translator than a goddamn sap.


Anonymous said...

Stupid money machines. If they had a face it would be smirking when they give that 'insufficient funds' message. I see that one all too often....

Gasoline Hobo said...

i like how sometimes if you're three cents short of the purchase price of the Yanni CD you're trying to buy with your debit card, they'll still let the purchase go through, and then they'll charge you a $30 Insufficient Funds Fee, meaning that you've effectively paid $48.99 for a disc full of songs that are the aural equivalent of Ipecac.

birdmonster said...

Sol's View: I think I'd enjoy an ATM more if it had a personality. Example: "Insufficient Funds. Sadly, I do not dispense food stamps. Please step away from your betters."

GH: Ipecac is funnier than Castor Oil. Well chosen. It's amazing how much worse Yanni is that John Tesh, by the way. It's subtle, yet glaring. I think they should have a steel cage death match, complete with weaponry. Headlines read: "Yanni Impaled By Rusty Shovel; Tesh Victorious, Shaken"

Anonymous said...

Oh man I use to be so bad a budgeting! I recently ran my bank accoount into the red after a four stint of good record keeping. Good luck with the pole danceing I find it really worked out my thighs, although I don't for see you doing it in 5" heels like I did.
Hey I work at Zero Magazine. I think we just ran some stuff on you not too long ago-
Well~good luck at the Learning Annex~
See you around the Web.

Webb said...

I have a friend whos dad wrote a book for young folk on the subject of money management. If you try hard enough you could probably get your hands a copy for free, save a couple bucks.

Sabrina said...

I take it you're not saving for retirement?
Money management takes a lot of hard work, self sacrifice, Will power, & tons of Top Ramen and other misc. MSG filled, low cost belly fillers.
I hope payday is around the corner for you.
I'll buy you a few rounds at the Warfield, nothing like denial when you're poor. We have that case of gummi's with your name on it. I sure hope you can eat 36 small bags? If you block your bowels, don't blame me. Didn't you say something about winning an enema the other day? You may need this. & I think they have pole dancing classes at Crunch here on Spear.

birdmonster said...

Evie: Thanks for the well wishes. And you're right, I'm not doing it in 5" heels. I'm doing it in 10" heels.

Webb: Well played, sir. Well played.

birdmonster said...

Sabrina: Doth my eyes deceive me. 36 bags? OF GUMMIS? You are hereby canonized. Which means something way nicer than it sounds. Less explosive too. And hey, I get paid in a couple days. I'll just be Lord Moochy for Wednesday & Thursday.

Sabrina said...

I was thinking I was going to be blown up or something.
I'm getting too old for this new slang. I think my boyfriend used the word rad the other day & possibly sike (is that how you spell it?). This is by far worse than saying canonized.
Yes 36 bags of your favorite fruit juice gummi's and all you have to do is play at the Warfield on Wed. which you were going to do anyway..

Rich said...

I keep all my money in the bank, I find it the best place to keep it, and then I change my name every 3 months to ensure that I can not use my credit card or enter the bank.

When I do spend money, I spend it on an enema, that is not fun so I won't be doing that again. Money saved! Just a few tips.

Sir Malcolm Offgodderson III

elvette said...

Do as I say, not as I do.
I'm a big fan of Overdraft Protection, which worked out fine until I the bank closed my savings account. So I linked checking to a line of credit, thinking interest on a line of credit HAS to be cheaper than $33 overdraft fees every other month.

This works out sort of OK for the first couple months until I check my bank balance and there's $12.37 in checking and $800 on the line of credit. Shit.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, BM, I was thinking along the lines of "Oh, you again? Sorry insufficient funds. Now get lost. Oh, and I'll take that card too thanks." smirk, smirk

sakehhh said...

is birdmonster your band?

Anonymous said...

birdmonster is only the best up and coming band of the bay area.

birdmonster said...

Elvette: Credit, for me, is a bad thing. I'd have drunkenly bought a Cadillac or a camel or something by now.

SOL's View: Keeping the card would be triply diabolical. I'd up the ante by hurling feces. Take that ATM.

Sakehhh: Yes indeed it is.

Anon: Why thank you kindly.

elvette said...

birdmonster: this is what credit did to me, I bought two birdmonster t-shirts online because I couldn't decide which color to pick. At work, on the clock.

kasi said...

I used my work time effectively last month and created myself a budget. This is the 87th time I have tried to live with one. Clearly, they do not work for me. However, that does not crush my hopes that one day, they will indeed work. As today is payday, I went into my beautifully created spreadsheet and realized that so far, all is good! Woo Hoo!
*I give myself until the end of the day to screw it all up.*

birdmonster said...

Aw, Elvette, thanks. They're nice, I promise. They make it through at least 4 washes before unravelling completely.

Actually, they're American Apparel, so they should last until you lose them. For me, that's a maximum of six months.

Kasi: Good luck. I abandoned all budgets and lists for the seat of my pants when I was 12. So far...well, so far I'm alive.

kasi said...

BM: Ah yes, the seat of the pants. That is usually what takes over, leaving my budget in a crumpled ball on the floor with many, many red lines drawn through the meaningless numbers. Thanks for the well wishes, just the same.

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