Thursday, October 12, 2006

Crazy Little Thing Called Internets

I wear a headset at work. This means, besides the fact that I look like a moron, that I'm on the phone all day, dealing with people who probably aren't all that excited to hear from me. The silver lining is that I'm not taking incoming calls, which generally come from people who've been robbed, wronged, or enjoy screaming more than DMX does. Which, by the way, is a lot. You ever heard "It's Dark and Hot as Hell"?

So yes: I call people all day long. Often, my end of the conversation goes something like this: "Right...Yes...I'm sorry sir...I understand why you're upset, sir, want me to stick what where?" and then we hang up and I do it again, this time with a woman from Nebraska who I'm hoping won't pick up her phone, but of course does.

This morning I called an old guy in North Carolina who was surprisingly unaware of what the internet was. He called it "the internets." It was adorable. But it got me thinking about how it was going to be when I'm old and the whole world seems like one fairly depressing, pointless Sci-Fi book I should've never started reading. In times like those I hope my fingers still work because, well, the banjo never changes. And naturally, I'm looking forward to perplexing whippersnaps with my cuddly ignorance.

The point of this story (if indeed, there is one) is that I was stuck trying to explain what the internet was. I doubt I succeeded. Hell, I don't really know how a radio works. Once it's more complicated than a hammer, I'm lost. But you don't need to understand something to love it. Ask anyone who purports to enjoy "Finnegans Wake" and they'll tell you the same thing. Just don't ask me. I made it to page six and I enjoyed none of it.*

In honor of the internets, I decided to throw out a couple links for your perusal and, hopefully, enjoyment. Your boss hates me. Carry on:

- Less than a month ago, we visited KEXP in Seattle, played some music, ate some frankfurters, and watched Street Fighter the Movie in our van. I highly recommend all three. Here's a recording of our performance. Here's way too much information about hot dogs. Here's to Raul Julia.

- As you know, I enjoy Gasoline Hobo. This is a week old now, but I love it.

- Bored yesterday, Jax, an old friend from L.A. as well as one of those blog-people (you know the type....oh wait) were arguing about bringing sexy back. So we wrote a point/ counterpoint thing about it. Basically, another place for pseudo-coherent rambling. Hooray! Enjoy.

- Oh yeah. And we have a temporary banner since our old one was eaten by the internets. I feel weird looking at it. I miss my beard.

* Except the author photo. Three cheers for eyepatches.


kasi said...

Hot dogs, although a known staple in some childhood diets, are gross. That was beyond too much information. I spend much of my office time on the phone, however, they won't give me a headset and by then end of the day my hands are numb and the circulation has ceased in my left arm. You may look like a moron, but at least your extremities are intact when you leave your desk. My systems suck at work, so I wasn't able to check out your performance link. Will do when I get home. It was snowing here an hour ago! SNOWING! You'll have to excuse my mood.

Sabrina said...

I agree that hot dogs are gross. I worked in a grocery store that made hot dogs by squishing all of the cuttings & fat from meat that had actual names like rib eye, new york stripe, eye of round, pork chops etc. If you see what goes into the machine you won't want to eat what comes out. I seldom crave a hot dog but when I do I always get a stomach ache after I actually eat one. I'm sure it's 1/2 mental.
I think when you get old things just don't seem to matter as much anymore. When you piss yourself throughout the day, maybe even crap yourself, Things like mistakenly adding an s to the end of a word is not so critical.

elvette said...

I know where the old guy got the internets from. He stole it from my grandma who was always warning me not to catch "the AID."

Webb said...

I think you meant, "It's Dark and Hell is Hot." Didn't you learn anything about DMX during our journey across Kansas?

See, DMX isn't into metaphors, he just tells it like it is. Check out his other, less well known songs: "It's Tuesday and My Shoes are Untied" and "Elbows Bend and My Grandpa is Old."

birdmonster said...

Kasi: Better for the body, worse for the brain. That sums up the headset.

Sabrina: Well said. I'll be a wizard, so it won't matter much anyhow.

Bird Brain: I deleted your comment since it wasn't a comment and just a shameless link. Hooray!

Elvette: A disease by any other name still smells as sweet. Something like that.

Webb: Ah. Thanks for making me regurgitate dim sum all over my keyboard. Appreciate it. I, for one, am looking forward to his '07 release "I'm DMX and Yer Buyin My Shit."

Sabrina said...

Are you that certain that wizards do not experience incontinence?

*I hate those headsets. I think of Janet Jackson or worse Britney Spears. I'd rather have a kinked neck.

**I've never eaten matzo ball soup. I know this is a very delayed comment. I've been pondering this for a few days now..

birdmonster said...

1- Yes. I'm certain: No wizard shits his pants. EVER. I thought this was common knowledge.

2- Let it be known I'm singing Black Cat right now.

3- For shame. It's one of the best soups in the Universe. It's like chicken noodle soup, except better in every single way.

Anonymous said...

On matzo ball soup: since i went to college the food was awful, but the other day what soup were the serving but the delightful matzo ball. which i absolutely love. life has been good ever since. oh, yeah, except my roommate told me she hates me so much she's gonna switch. maybe lifes not so good...but the soup is.

birdmonster said...

Ah dorm food. I remember peanut butter pineapple pizza. And then I don't remember anything for the next week.

Sabrina said...

you should be happy she's switching. Who wants to be shacked up with someone who hates them? Kind of sounds like a bad marriage..

I'll have to try to soup, any recipes?

Sabrina said...

I meant THE soup

Anonymous said...

I am happy she's switching, it's just annoying that she pulled the california card on me. you're from CA, I'm from MA they are very different cultures. WHAT? I mean, yes, but not so different we can't live in the same room.

Soup: It's something I've never successfully made, but I'm no cook. first time having it is best to have it made for you by someone who knows what they're doing or a restaurant. but i'm sure you can find a recipe online or from a friend

Sabrina said...

*So much for Diversity! Being different is what makes life so interesting. She needs to break out of the mold.

I need to find a recipe.. I hope Food Network does not fail me.

R2K said...

: )

Simey said...

Try an English hot dog and you might appreciate the good old American Hot Dog a little more!

However - you can't beat a good old fashioned British 'banger' - especially with Mash....Bangers and Mash - yummy!

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birdmonster said...

Bangers and mash saved my life once. Or at least dulled my hangover. I can't remember.

Sabrina: I can get you a recipe if yer serious. A good one too. I make great goy Matzo.

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