Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Google Buys Birdmonster Blog for $1.65; Investors Saddened

I've always wondered about IT departments. I mean, in general, I know what they do: They send technical emails nobody reads, they fix your computer when Windows has its daily mutiny, and they let you install programs you pretend are for work but are really used to play Zelda on the internet. They are widely mocked for high levels of dweebdom and, in fact, at my old job, our IT manager had a life-sized cardboard doppelganger of Commander Deanna Troi from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Talk about living up to expectations.

But what I've wondered about are those times when they aren't operating on my computer, saving it from binary purgatory. I mean, they've got access to everything, right? Or is this just what my bosses have hoped I would believe? Can they tell I'm writing this blog on a blank MS Office email? Do they know I spent my morning reading about Emperor Norton? And if so, why aren't they blackmailing me? In my private, paranoid universe, IT is like that geriatric fellow behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz, only way, way more powerful, hiding out with flying monkeys and witches with bumblebee socks, knowing all my sordid internet-y secrets, stockpiling them like some bizarre (albeit bored) fascist dictator.

This, along with a brand new song, was bouncing around my head this morning. The song, I assure you, is more interesting. What with all the touring, van-sitting, show-playing, and getting back together of frantically scattered home lives, it's been a long time since we walked into the studio and finished something in the sum of four or five hours. It's a great feeling. I think making anything is, ostensibly, enjoyable. Even a really good Matzo Ball Soup. Especially a really good Matzo Ball Soup.

But now comes the moment of truth: when do you play something brand new live for the first time? We've learned from experience that "on a stage where you can't hear the drums or vocals" is a bad time. We've learned from experience that live can be a monkey of a different color and that sometimes, that monkey has rabies and is very, very angry.

You must stay clear of that monkey.

p.s. I am aware of the fact our nifty little image on the top of this here page is now the dreaded red X. I'm trying. Or rather, Zach's trying for me. He's like the IT of Birdmonster. See how I brought that full circle? And you thought I was rambling. Shame on you.

28 comments:

kasi said...

Much like you, I often wonder what the IT people think here. However, I don't even bother taking precautions to hide what I'm doing anymore. When I write my blog at work, I do just that. Plain as day. Perhaps I have it easy, as my boss and I have an agreement of somesorts. She understands that when I have the urge to write, I MUST do it at that given moment and I understand that if I fall back in my oh-so-important paper work, I will stay until it gets done.

birdmonster said...

My boss and I have an arrangement. It's called "He hates his job more than I do." It works out really well for both of us since it rarely results in him doing much beyond clicking on Excel documents and smoking three packs a day. I love that man.

kasi said...

Bosses like ours should have their own posters. Billboards even. With disclaimers at the bottom "we are not responsible for any bosses that are not remotely anything like the fabulouspeople depicted above". Well, something like that.

Rachael said...

My vote is to play your new song when you get to New York...say at a daytime party on the saturday? It would be super lowkey..I hear there are some free cookies involved which, if the song totally backfires and the audience hates it, at least they will be satisfied by baked goods.

birdmonster said...

Kasi: Yes, something like that. But I concur. The good boss is a rarity that must be coveted at a sinful tip.

Rachael: Maybe. Just maybe. Hope to have her alive and kicking before the tour. We shall see.

Gasoline Hobo said...

there are worse things than having a cardboard cut-out of deanna troy in your office.

you could have a cut-out of Lt. Yar! ha ha!

EXCUSE ME.

anyway, back to my point. there are worse things than being a stereotypical dweeb. like this guy.

birdmonster said...

The best part? I know who Lt. Yar is. Oh yes. I laughed. I guffawed. I called unneeded attention to myself. It was grand.

Sabrina said...

Didn't Data have sex with her(Lt Yar)? My vote for cardboard cut out is on Deanna. I loved her hair.. & the fact that her weight fluctuated by 15 lbs and she still looked better than Cpt. Kirk in that sausage suit.

Foo said...

...sometimes, that monkey has rabies and is very, very angry.

You really want to watch out for the ones that fling feces.

The big-brotherness of IT—my IT, at least—is every bit as pervasive as you fear. Ours have no apparent social skills, which fact slots in nicely with their low levels of self esteem. Really, how could I possibly begrudge the sense of power and control that remotely spying on my desktop brings them. In fact, they


[sound of static]

birdmonster said...

Sabrina: Wasn't aware Data had the requisite hardware to pull that off. (har har har)

Foo: That frightens me. It also frightens me that I'll have to now get your commentary from a Serbian gulag.

Sabrina said...

I take it he was Fully Functional. The episode was when Yar was swallowed by that black goo thing and killed. Data revealed his fling and it was all downhill from there.

I always wanted a small monkey as a pet but the fact that they all fling feces is enough to make me never go through with getting one. I just don't need this additional abuse after a long day at work!

elvette said...

The IT people have the technology to access everything, but usually they choose not to investigate. I had a long string of temp jobs in IT departments, the temp agency girl thought I was "technical."

At one place the network guys were always replacing the cabling to "open up the pipe." Every meeting: "All cat-10 on the 4th floor, we're really opening up the pipe." I, for one, was always testing and documenting so that the stuff we released didn't break too badly.

You see, when you're opening up the pipe, you really don't have time to read the server logs.

birdmonster said...

Sabrina: Androids? Sex? I hope not. That's the sort of thing that cheesy-sci-fi has field days with. In fact, wait a minute. I'm calling Lion's Gate.

Elvette: I'm learning. Learning is good. And I was a temp (probably will be again soonish) and it's not surprising you were tagged as "technical." The fact that you can navigate a keyboard puts in the 90th percentile of the temporary worker world. I, of course, only dictate.

brok3n po3t said...

my father owns an electronics company, i work for him, im friends with the it department, the head of the it is my uncle. if your it department is anything like ours they are sorta lazy. they do however keep a close eye on what websights you are visting and how much time you spend on them. they dont care which websights you visit so long as you dont spend more than ohhhhh 15 min or so on it.

birdmonster said...

To that, I can only say: Uh. Oh.

Sabrina said...

Cheesy is the word. this is why I stopped watching.

I sure hope my IT peeps are not spying on me. It's bad enough I get that periodic pop up of THIS SITE IS BLOCKED BY *** INC SERVERS!
Yikes! I can't even check the winning Lotto Numbers. Since this is considered gambling. What country is this again?
A recent mishap of mine, calling a 1-800 sex operator from my direct extension, on accident. I was trying to call our Benefits department and reached a lot of heavy breating instead. It was an honest mistake. I Swears! I just lifted my eyes over my cube to see if anyone heard? & sent a word of warning to my closet BP's
Phew...
I didn't feel so bad when a co-worker had the same experience. He turned red and thought They were coming for him for sure. I think he listened longer than I did??


I concur with the UH OH since I leave this here blog open all day.
Damn You Birds! Damn You!

Anonymous said...

As a member of an IT department, may I just say that I hightly RESEMBLE your slighting remarks and speculations on what we get up to during working hours. :) E.

Tracy said...

IT people... gotta love them.. hehe - I am IT - run a business and most of the time we clean off the nasty little programs that attach themselves to your operating system when you open the wrong websites or click on the wrong box that looks like an official message from Bill Gates but is just trying to lure you in.
I don't monitor anything. I help prevent monitoring by keeping your computer from being infected! We tell people that surfing the internet without protection is like having unprotected sex....eventually you will get infected and you might get something you can't get rid of!

BTW - I kinda like Deanna Troy - but my favorite was 7 of 9 originally a Borg but rescued by Capt. Picard. Now she was hot....

Anonymous said...

Yeah, we watch what people do on our computers, but we really don't care. We're that cool :)

Shaun said...

$1.65? I would've given you 3.90 no problem. Wanna buy my blog???

** Shaun **
My awesome blog: ohpunk.blogspot.com

-

birdmonster said...

See? Now I know that IT is my friend, championing to keep my computer clean while barely caring what it's used for. I no longer live in fear. Thanks.

Sabrina said...

Oh I take back the damning thing. I want no harm to befall Birdmonster. Bless you, Bless you!

Today.. The plan is to be productive here at work!

birdmonster said...

Thanks. I hate being damned. More than the next guy, even. I'm looking forward to playing pattycake with JC.

Good luck with that productive thing. If you're reading this though, success may not be yours. Promise we're more fun though.

Sabrina said...

Yes, I have been reading, hopping back & forth actually.
Yes, you're more fun than approving stripe repeats and commenting on color swatches.
I complete a few work emails then I check on the blog, complete a few work emails then check the blog. It's like giving your dog a biscuit when they sit on command.
& I'm sure there will be plenty of pattycake for you

Tracy said...

I sense sarcasm from the Bird or is it the Monster... I only look at stuff on people's computers when its of nudity... Oh Crap, did i just say that? I thought I was only thinking it. But seriously, I enjoy your blog, its one of the most entertaining I have found to read...... and hey, I'm IT, I know about this kind of stuff...

Anonymous said...

maybe this is coming in a little late, but google owns blogger, so effectively they already own the birdmonster blog. that's how i know you're not telling the truth.
-brett

birdmonster said...

The Mayor: I should've killed you when I had the chance.

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