Thursday, April 19, 2007

Life after tour: a rambling post comprising sad truths, happy acheivements, and, yeah: LOST is really good again

Success, ladies and gentlemen, is all in how you define it. Success can be a six figure salary or a luxury sedan or one of those robots that vacuums your house, that is, until the robot turns on you and vacuums your children's faces while they sleep. Success is winning the World Series, or, if you're the Kansas City Royals, success is when someone can name three players on your team without looking them up in the media guide. Success is, as best I can tell, achieving your goals. So let me say that this week has been a giant success: it's 1 o'clock and I'm wearing a robe.

Which isn't to say that I've been completely unproductive. No: I've dealt with bills, made phone calls, ran errands I could run in my slippers. I even looked for a job (more on this later). But my goal this week was to attain a level of sloth known only by hyper-obese World of Warcraft junkies and, when your big achievement is not breaking the yolk on the over-easy eggs you just made, well: success.

Of course, I hyperbolize. The beginning of this week saw me trying to figure out how exactly to suppliment the often-not-so-lucrative job that is being one fourth of Birdmonster. I contacted Old Trusty the temp agency who promised to crush my soul no later than Wednesday next week. I tried to apply to be a wine country tour guide, but a three and a half hour wait at the DMV put those plans on indefinate hiatus. I even signed up to be an "actor" in scavenger hunts for corporate team building events or snobby rich kids' birthday parties. In fact, I'm really excited about the last one; hope it works out. I also hope an eyepatch or a plastic sword are involved. I let them know that I had my own, just in case that'd help.

Hell, I even caught up on LOST so that I could watch last night's live, which, come to think of it, doesn't do a whole lot for me except force me to watch ads for Chevy and those computers that look like Tonka toys and are supposedly indestrucable. I like those commercials because everyone's incredibly clumsy: girl walks into a board meeting, drops the computer on the table, spills water on it, opens baby's diaper over it, extinguishes cigarette on it. It's wonderful. It's like that commercial where the same woman keeps burning herself pouring cooked pasta into a collander and eventually is forced to purchase the pot with the collander lid. The lesson: the world is filled with bumbling asses; buy our product. Anyhow: LOST has been at it's absolute LOST-est, meaning totally manipulative, completely full of shit, and incredibly enjoyable. Keep up the good work, chums.

A few other things merit mentioning today. Firstly, I'm going to be half-sort-of-guest-DJ-ing on BAGeL Radio with Bagel Ted, who I hastle regularly on Fridays when he plays songs that I dislike. His Friday show (480 Minutes) is definately worth a listen and, if you haven't done so before, tune in tomorrow. I'll be there the second half of the day (12-5 PST) and he plays really quality music, even if he refuses to plan any soft rock. In fact, tomorrow's goal: one soft rocker. Sometimes the sun goes 'round the mooooon/ sometimes the snow falls down in juuu-uuuune.

Secondly, next Thursday finds us playing at the Independent in San Francisco. You'll be hearing that like a broken record over the next few posts, so, I won't beat it dead yet. We're playing a bunch of new songs and playing with the Cribs, so, if ever there was a time to go, hoot, holler, and be merry, the 26th is that time. Put a big red circle on your calendar.

Lastly, I'm an unabashed basketball fan and the for-oh-so-long-oh-so-hapless Golden State Warriors have made the playoffs. This is big news for the small minority of people who give a damn. You may have to put up with me talking about that from time to time in the following weeks, especially after they beat the heavily favored Mavericks, a moment that will alienate our entire Dallas fanbase but make me strangely giddy. So, sorry about that. It'll be over soon.

I'm going to try and scam some more work now. I'm like a hustler, except a really geeky, legal, office-flavored one. Wow. I'm depressed now.


Anonymous said...

i have one of those robots. i call him Mr. Sweepy. i have no children or pets, and i wear a hockey mask to bed, so i think i'll be ok.

i don't actually own a robe, either, but if i had one, i would be wearing it. as it is, i am wearing a hat to hide my bedhead, a shirt that says "I have a blackbelt in keepin' it real" and some sweats. also, i slept in a sleeping bag on my couch last night, just because i could.

ah, the joys of unemployment.

birdmonster said...

GH: I'm happy to hear you have no job either. Not happy, per se, but pleased that you'll be writing more, thus giving me more to read before I hoist myself out of bed and drink an entire pot of coffee, twitch my way to he couch, and eat Cheerio's whilst watching Judge Joe Brown. Life = good.

I also want your shirt.

SOL's view said...

Hey I too have one of those robots. I call him my husband.

Wow. Long live sloth. I worship your success.

Sabrina said...

It's been a busy day...just got a chance to peek at the blog.

Oh that sucks!
However I am jealous that you're still in your robe at noon on a weekday.
What about Bartending school? It's a quick learn, you'll still have a night life, should have flexibility for touring....

It's 4:30 are you dressed yet?

*If you start getting excessive lint in between your toes and armpits... start to worry!
Severe Side Effect of Robe and Slipper Overdose...

Sarah said...

Welcome Home, Boys. For a girl who's taking a SF hiatus next month, I can't think of a better sendoff then you 4.

In the meantime, allow me to further your unemployment, in the most curious little beat-sensing robot ever:

Hooray for Science.

Webb said...

I find this funny. You should too. Apparently its been around forever, but I just learned about it, and I wanted to share.

birdmonster blog> using gizoogle.

Sabrina said...

that is funny! Thanks for sharing...

JT: I just realized (slow) that you have the same initials as Justin Timberlake. hahaha!

anyway did you find a new job? or have you disappeared under your robe & couch cushions never to be seen again? I miss the blogs. Tomorrow is the Independent show! See you there.....

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