The best "away message" money can't buy

The cabin to which we're retreating (and yes, I do have disdain for dangling prepositions) is out in the boonies, which, if you're curious, is located a few hundred miles outside of Los Angeles. It's filled with bric a brac, an out of tune upright piano, and a whole gang of morose, cotton-mouthed cacti. It's also fairly removed from civilization, which, as I mentioned yesterday, will probably cause David to do his best Jack Torrance impression until we elude him in the hedge maze.

This also means this post will be up here for quite some time. In fact, think of this post as a loaf of bread. It's fresh today, which is the 16th, but by the 27th, odds are, it'll have a mold beard and taste vaguely of cranberries, unless of course it's Wonderbread, which means it will outlive us all. This would also mean you could squish this post into a ball and throw it at the girl you liked while she was drinking her Capri Sun, but I think this analogy has gone on for far too long as it is. Of course, now I really want a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

Where was I? Yes. I remember. Since we'll be away and, since you're here already, this leads me to believe you probably don't want to be doing whatever it is you're doing at the computer. If you're like me, it's work. If you're like me several years ago, it's homework. I'm just happy we're one of your stops on (all together now) the never-ending voyage against Taylorism.

Now, I'm sure you have your other spots. Maybe you're a sports fiend who spends all day of ESPN.com, debating the valor of Barry Bonds (nil) or discussing John Amaechi, the NBA center who just came out of the closet, perhaps hoping that no one would remember he was on the Utah Jazz and that he stunk. Maybe you're a news junkie or one of those eBay window shoppers ("I can buy a teenager's soul for $8, sure, but what about shipping?") or a music blog reader, bent on hearing about some band from Austin with a legless frontman and a six-woman sousaphone section before that snob at your local record store does. Point is: you've got your spots, I've got mine. So, in the interest of the commonwealth, I thought we could all list a few possible destinations, hoping this snowballs into a lack of productivity akin to Superbowl Sunday, Christmas, and the May '68 French general strike all rolled into one giant ball of slothful idleness. Either that or you can just laugh a few times while you're eating your ham and swiss at your desk.

- Ah, the Straight Dope. Absolutely my favorite thing on the internet. Important issues like "Does the taller presidential cantidate always win?", "How much is all the tea in China really worth?", and a personal favorite: "What exactly is the pompatus of love?" are answered daily, with vim and valor and a spoonfull of avuncular sarcasm.

- Guess what time it is? It's obligatory YouTube time! I sent this clip to a fellow layabout a few weeks ago and he pronounced it the funniest thing since sliced bread, which, by the way: hilarious. It's certainly the funniest thing since Fabio was clobbered by that goose. I still laugh at that. Anyway, if you're at work, make sure your headphones are on. If you're at home, make sure your children are deaf. While you're there, we've posted a video of our hyperactively paced cover of Billy Joel's Movin' Out, also known as Anthony's Song, also known as one of the great pop songs written by a habitual drunk driver. Performance circa drunken New Years.

- I find this hilarious.

- Found Magazine is, if you're unaware, a magazine (duh) dedicated to scraps of paper, snapshots, lists, binders, and all manner of seemingly useless trash that, when you really look at them, are incredibly funny, poignant, or just plain weird. They update it daily and the collections are highly recommended. It's bastard cousins are Mortified, a site and book dedicated to people's vicariously embarrassing diaries, short stories, prom photos, and so on, and Post Secret, a mailbox where folks anonymously send alternatively hilarious and depressing secrets to be posted for all the world to see, an act I find positively weird and borderline pathological, yet, I go there every week.

- As someone without cable, you may regard me as somewhat of a caveman. And yes, before you ask, we do have rabit ears and they get Simpsons re-runs quite well. Also: Teen Jeopardy! I've felt smart all week. Then there's this: a list of places to watch TV for free online. Did you know you were working on a television? Me neither. I hope Myth Busters is on there somewhere.

That seems like a good jumping-off point, methinks. There's more where that came from, of course, and, in fact, more over there to the right. We'll be gone all next week, until roughly the end of February, to return rested, with new songs, completely out of the news, information, and current events loop. Don't go annexing Costa Rica on us or anything. So, until then, au revoir.