Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Eyeballs and magic and all sorts of nonsense

Essentially, I'm blind. Without glasses or contacts, my ability to navigate a city street borders on those of a Mr. Magoo or a Stevie Wonder or a Ray Charles, who as you probably heard, is dead. At any rate: lots of stumbling. Lots of forehead bruises. And no, I can't tell you what the third line says. Just a bunch of vaguely angular blobs. I think the first one on the left is an "F" though.

My grandparents always swear that my terrible vision must have come from hours of watching He-Man and Thundercats close enough to touch the screen and, in fact, blame most problems in society on TV, although, of course, they watch "Touched By An Angel" and once, just once, I caught them watching "Maury." But that's neither here nor there.

So today I'm getting my peepers peeped. It's part of the all-important pre-tour ritual wherein you must arrange all your mallards in a neat line, so I'll be taking a short break from work today to have someone I don't know shoot air into my eyeball and say "better like this....or this?" six hundred times in an hour. I'm excited already.

Then there's the aftermath: should I get new glasses? I've always wanted those Malcolm X ones with the rims on top, but they don't sell those most places, so you have to get them at a thrift store, but that means they were probably in someone's pocket when they died and that's just off-putting. Maybe I should get colored contacts: then I could put one gray-blue one in and look like one of those Siberian Huskies. Or Marilyn Manson. Either way: fairly off-putting.

But, let's be honest. I'm cheap. I'm boring. I will not be getting new glasses or contact lenses like the guy in Last Action Hero. Which is probably a smart move. Impulse purchase money should be saved for theremins, fabrege eggs, and magic beans. In fact, suddenly, I want a theremin. I don't think you can get much closer to magic that an instrument you don't touch. Oh, and only a hundred dollars plus tax and I can make my own. Where's my wallet?


Katie L. Thompson said...

Stick to theremins and magic beans, dude -- no one likes an egg you can't eat!

Peter V said...

I blame most of society's problems on Maury Povich. I would pay good money to see He-Man and Lion-O beat his ass.

birdmonster said...

Katie: I know several Tsars who might beg to differ.

Pete: I too would pay to see this. Except I always thought Lion-O was kind of...I don't know...lame? I like my underwears wearing, buff as hell super heroes non-feline, I suppose.

Gasoline Hobo said...

i hate that goddamn puffer thing. it's like waiting for someone to punch you in the face.

except not as painful.

i just got an idea for a new reality tv show. "Touched by Maury".

i'm SO going to hell.

SOL's view said...

Ooohhh, another 'talk show' host... Thank heaven for Google....

Lester Hunt said...

I vote for the Theremin, the Mother of all Electronic Instruments! Also, it just might be the only instrument ever invented by a Commie spy!

Valsauce said...

If you're too worried about wearing a dead person's glasses, look for the words "new/old (store) stock". They're old glasses from an old store that are brand new and have never been worn.

birdmonster said...

Hobo: As always: bravo. That puffer thing is exactly like waiting to get punched in the face. I just sit there thinking "Did God want my eyeball sprayed with compressed air? No? Then this surely is unholy. Aback, foul wench." Or not. Either way. I need to be quiet.

SOL: I'm sure you have them in Australia. They're called "no talent hacks."

Lester: A kick-ass Commie Spy. I want to buy one of those make-your-own kits. Who's buying?

Valsauce: Good tip. I'm probably wearing a dead person's sweatshirt right now, so I'm obviously not that worried.

Anonymous said...



A片,色情,成人,做愛,情色文學,A片下載,色情遊戲,色情影片,色情聊天室,情色電影,免費視訊,免費視訊聊天,免費視訊聊天室,一葉情貼圖片區,情色,情色視訊,免費成人影片,視訊交友,視訊聊天,視訊聊天室,言情小說,愛情小說,AIO,AV片,A漫,av dvd,聊天室,自拍,情色論壇,視訊美女,AV成人網,色情A片,SEX