When you can't watch TV in Iowa without being
badgered by suited silverbacks, when Barbara
Boxer has left you two pre-recorded ramblings in
as many days (so thoughtful, isn't she?), and
when even the backwoodsiest middle-America
dailies are awash in propositions instead of local
high school football blowouts then, well, it's
election day. And wouldn't you know it? Broken
voting machines everywhere. Without launching
into a political diatribe here, can I be the first to
ask: why machines? What's wrong with paper?
See, machines break. My toaster? Two months
old. Computers? Forget it. Scissors break.
Hammers break. Zippers break. Paper, on the other
hand: pretty reliable. Plus: impervious to tampering
by basement dwelling, computer-hacking, chronic
masturbators. I like my government sullied by the
rich and powerful. Call me old fashioned. At any
rate, I'm sure we're in for a week of second
-guessed Diebold machines and their innevitable
accomplice: flabbergasting Republican victories.
Sign me up.
Also: who's excited for more Governor
Schwartzenegger? Our governor has a pinball
machine. What about yours? Oh, really? A stalled
budget proposal? How exciting. Ours in a CYBORG
FROM THE FUTURE. Take that Bloomberg.
So I wrote that six hours ago, before I drove
through Nebraska (I must say: dissapointing
amounts of corn) and we listened to election
coverage the whole time. A couple reasons here.
One: I've heard nearly every song on every CD,
tape, and iPod in the car this trip. This includes the
entire Trapped in the Closet album, a shameful
late night ABBA session, and oh so much Petty. In
other words, I needed a break. Two: election night
only comes once every couple years, unless you've
been a Californian, whereas it comes every third
Tuesday. Recalls? We got 'em. Special elections
where nothing happens? Those too. Primaries?
Please sir, may I have another?
But the news seems good. Democrats have
reconquered the House, which, as I understand it,
means that instead of the White House running
amok without a nanny, we're going to have two
glorious years of pessimism and deadlock. I, for
one, am ecstatic.
By the way: best quote I heard all night:
"...the incumbent certainly wasn't helped by
revelations of an extra-marital affair. Moreover,
his mistress has acused him of strangling her. The
Congressman, on the other hand, claims he was
giving her a neck massage..."
I guess it's possible to insult my intelligence more
egregiously, I just can't think of how.
Also: I almost ran over a deer. I'm sure that
would've been traumatic. I've pancaked a rabbit
before once, but, not to sound callous here: there's
a whole lot of rabbits. In fact, that's their entire
evolutionary strategy. They're defenseless,
delicious, but maaaaan do they have a lot of sex.
No shortage of bunnies. Plus, they fit right under
the tire. Deer, on the other hand: majestic, less
prevalent, and would probably muck up our bumper
Lastly: we're in Wyoming. Wheeeeeeeeee!
Tumbleweeds! Continental Divides! Loud gas
station country music! Come visit before all the
city folks bring their Pier 1s. So excited right now.
So, so excited.