Wednesday, November 08, 2006

A well-reasoned political thesis, peppered with tales of woe, boredome, and roadkill

When you can't watch TV in Iowa without being
badgered by suited silverbacks, when Barbara
Boxer has left you two pre-recorded ramblings in
as many days (so thoughtful, isn't she?), and
when even the backwoodsiest middle-America
dailies are awash in propositions instead of local
high school football blowouts then, well, it's
election day. And wouldn't you know it? Broken
voting machines everywhere. Without launching
into a political diatribe here, can I be the first to
ask: why machines? What's wrong with paper?
See, machines break. My toaster? Two months
old. Computers? Forget it. Scissors break.
Hammers break. Zippers break. Paper, on the other
hand: pretty reliable. Plus: impervious to tampering
by basement dwelling, computer-hacking, chronic
masturbators. I like my government sullied by the
rich and powerful. Call me old fashioned. At any
rate, I'm sure we're in for a week of second
-guessed Diebold machines and their innevitable
accomplice: flabbergasting Republican victories.
Sign me up.

Also: who's excited for more Governor
Schwartzenegger? Our governor has a pinball
machine. What about yours? Oh, really? A stalled
budget proposal? How exciting. Ours in a CYBORG
FROM THE FUTURE. Take that Bloomberg.

---

So I wrote that six hours ago, before I drove
through Nebraska (I must say: dissapointing
amounts of corn) and we listened to election
coverage the whole time. A couple reasons here.
One: I've heard nearly every song on every CD,
tape, and iPod in the car this trip. This includes the
entire Trapped in the Closet album, a shameful
late night ABBA session, and oh so much Petty. In
other words, I needed a break. Two: election night
only comes once every couple years, unless you've
been a Californian, whereas it comes every third
Tuesday. Recalls? We got 'em. Special elections
where nothing happens? Those too. Primaries?
Please sir, may I have another?

But the news seems good. Democrats have
reconquered the House, which, as I understand it,
means that instead of the White House running
amok without a nanny, we're going to have two
glorious years of pessimism and deadlock. I, for
one, am ecstatic.

By the way: best quote I heard all night:

"...the incumbent certainly wasn't helped by
revelations of an extra-marital affair. Moreover,
his mistress has acused him of strangling her. The
Congressman, on the other hand, claims he was
giving her a neck massage..."

I guess it's possible to insult my intelligence more
egregiously, I just can't think of how.

Also: I almost ran over a deer. I'm sure that
would've been traumatic. I've pancaked a rabbit
before once, but, not to sound callous here: there's
a whole lot of rabbits. In fact, that's their entire
evolutionary strategy. They're defenseless,
delicious, but maaaaan do they have a lot of sex.
No shortage of bunnies. Plus, they fit right under
the tire. Deer, on the other hand: majestic, less
prevalent, and would probably muck up our bumper
something rotten.

Lastly: we're in Wyoming. Wheeeeeeeeee!
Tumbleweeds! Continental Divides! Loud gas
station country music! Come visit before all the
city folks bring their Pier 1s. So excited right now.
So, so excited.

8 comments:

kasi said...

I see your travels have finally driven you mad (pun can be intended). Nonetheless, you are still hilarious and I enjoy your yammerings. If I had a Futuristic Cyborg, I would definitely rub it in.

Katie L. Thompson said...

Elections? Politics? What? I walked around like a zombie yesterday, completely unaware of what was going on. Everyday we'd get a new "vote for so-and-so" slip of paper in our mail slot but I'd just toss it. You see, I am still unwilling to give up my Virginia residency. Ah. Good old Virginia; land of CBH omelets and gas prices under two dollars. Sigh.

I was also conditioned to believe that no matter how I voted, the rest of my state would vote republican. Everyone in Virginia just assumes I'm a republican. I'm so used to things being that way that I am almost offended by the fact that folks in Pennsylvania assume that I am a democrat.

The reality of things is that I simply hate politics in general.

I hit a deer with my mother's car last year. Hitting the deer was traumatic indeed but feeling bad for fucking up my mother's car was much worse.

Sabrina said...

Great to hear you're on your way home. I've been so busy at work I finally got caught up on Birdmonster blogs this morning.

I'm bummed that the girls & I may not be able to attend the show on the 11th. This will be our first missed local show. Boo Hoo!!
We're in the process of moving so it may be too hectic.

We'll wait & see if you post more upcoming local SF shows.. We miss you guys!

maureen said...

Schwartzenegger's CPU is a neural net processor. He's unstoppable!

Anonymous said...

Are we there yet?? He's on my side! He touched me! Are we there yet?

Anonymous said...

P.S. We use paper ballots here. Yay for backwardness!

Higgity Heitner said...

Apparently six years of lies, incompetence, man-boy love, Halliburton, lies, incompetence, border fences, and having feces thrown in their collective face was just too much for Americans to take. Who woulda thunk it?

Anonymous said...

Hey Justin,

Just catching up on my birdblog reading. If you guys find yourselves driving through, or anywhere near, Reno you have a place to crash with booze, food, and some gas for the van. David and Zach know how to get ahold of me. And of course, there's always the internet. It's no incovenience so let me know.

Safe travels.