Wednesday, October 04, 2006

We're not on tour. Brace yourself for egregious rambling

There are oh so many reasons to be angry with television. What should be a bastion of free or almost free entertainment and information offers infotainment at best and, in the case of Pokemon, has been known to cause actual physical seizures at worst. Damn you TV. Damn you Katie Couric. Damn you GAP commercials. (When the zombie apocalypse comes, I hope to see Audrie Hepburn and Jack Keroauc feasting on the brains of GAP executives. And, since whoever owns GAP owns Old Navy, they'll kill two birds with one stone. Or a lot of old white dudes with rotten teeth and a lust for brains. You know how that saying goes.)

Of course, there are silver linings. Regardless of calls to create an all-Simpsons channel, television usually offers three or four reruns a day, which is basically methadone when I'm asking for heroin but it's better than nothing. There's that Myth Busters show we catch on tour all the time which is entertaining, didactic, and always involves something or other getting obliterated loudly. There is ample opportunity to watch our Golden State Warriors crush my dreams of enjoyable hometown basketball every year. And I love Alex Trebeck with all my heart and a large majority of my soul. But beyond that, what is there? I mean, really? Oh wait. I remember. LOST starts tonight.

Yes, yes. I and seven hundred million other obsessive lunatics are salivating for this evening's trip back to the island where no one answers questions or behaves rationally or needs to shave to maintain a thin rugged stubble. Don't you dare tell me you aren't excited. Don't you dare enter my living room unless you are silently handing me a beer and scuttling out again.

Speaking of things I’m unduly overjoyed about, I’d like to mention another: shants. I saw my first pair of shants two years ago in Oakland & hadn’t seen one since. This, I assure you, was a good thing. Shants, which may or may not be the accepted term, are essentially a combination of shorts and pants, with one leg long, the other rather high above the thigh. Yeah. Really. Literally as stupid as the turtleneck wifebeater which I pray does not in fact exist.

So, after twenty four months of shants-free living, there I am, walking to work and…double-take. Triple-take. Cargo camouflage shants. God. We can only hope that it took two years to migrate from Oakland into the overall American fashion scene. It’d be the new millennium equivalent of Hammer-pants. This needs to happen. Not to you, necessarily, but to us. Because there’s nothing funnier than seeing a woman wearing shants. Groucho Marx? Steven Wright? Mel Brooks? All cower before shants. At least the ones that are still alive.

For the record, I’m hoping to see zombie Groucho Marx alongside Audrie Hepburn & Jack Keroauc, right before he finds Zach Braff and Jason Biggs and devours their noggin


Anonymous said...

I've seen the wifebeater turtleneck.
It's really more like the wifebeater muscle shirt, but I think the racerback style wifebeater turtleneck would be a fine look.

Sabrina said...

hey... I work for Gap. and I love Audrey more than you like Bruce. If it wasn't for Gap I wouldn't have money to buy Birdmonster stuff. No Product Red shirt for you for X-Mas.

As for LOST. It's irritating! I plan on recording all the shows and having a marathon at the end so I can get pissed off only once instead of once a week. Why isn't that big guy losing any weight?

birdmonster said...

Anon: I don't want no wifebeater mock-turtleneck. I want a sleeveless shirt with a folded down, thick collar that could presumably be pulled up to one's nose. I think I know what you're talking about though. I imagine someone working out in it---and still looking fairly silly.

Sabrina: Ouch. Sorry. I have a problem with them mining dead celebrities to sell things that those celebrities, in my opinion, would not have sold. Kerouac? A khaki model? Not a chance. And Audie Hepburn was a fashion icon. She'd be selling something that cost at least 800 times as much and be looking damn good while she did so.

And the big guy eats Dharma-brand ranch dressing: loaded with fats.

Sabrina said...

Oh yeah,the food drop. but still that didn't start until weeks after the show started.
This show makes no sense at all. I think this is why I'm drawn to it.

Kerouac, Tenuto... if you wear or wore pants you can be a Khaki model.

birdmonster said...

I hate pants. It's strictly tutus from here on out.

Heidi on Vashon said...

Audrey! We had a Roman Holiday Vespa Rally to launch a hotel cafe in Seattle last night. We were all about vintage chic!

Love your yammerings.

Sabrina said...

tulle fabric is see through

birdmonster said...

Heidi: Thanks for the compliment. I've always thought it was epic to ride around the city on a Vespa but...well...I have trouble standing up, so quasi-fast moving gorgeous death machines: not a good idea.

Sabrina: You think I didn't know that!? You should've seen the folk when I walked into work this morning. Thankfully, I was wearing Spongebob underoos.

Sabrina said...

Someone on my floor just bought a case of Heide gummi bears. One of my co-workers saw the empty box in the kitchenette & told me about it. I am now holding a cutting of the happy little bear with overalls. I'm on the prowl for the owner of the empty box so we can find the vendor. I think this deserves a mass corporate email? This just means they are still for sale and possibly here in the city.

oooh! Sponge Bob!

Anonymous said...

yeah, they are for sale in the city, you can buy them at costco on 10th st

birdmonster said...

I'm banned from Costco. Well, not really. I just don't have $40 to spend in order to spend more money of things like a keg of mustard or a horse made out of cheddar cheese.

Sabrina: STEAL SOME.

Sabrina said...

Well you're in luck since I'm an Executive member.
Sure they have keg's of mustard but they also have cases of beer for half the price of a regular supermarket & the size of the specialty hard liquor bottles are sinful. I could live in a Costco between the blankets and the Bakery..

of course I'll try to steal some!!

Gasoline Hobo said...

you know what i'd give for a horse made out of cheddar cheese?

a goat made out of goat cheese.

i was going to say "a sheep made out of feta", but i refrained, because i thought it make make you say "ewwwwe"

birdmonster said...

A job well done. Gouda work.

Gasoline Hobo said...

aaargh! ok, you win.

in other news, were you aware that there is such a thing as "bra cheese"?


birdmonster said...

The big question is: Am I immature enough to look for cheeses named after genetalia?

The big answer is: Yes.

The other big answer is no. There is Butte cheese. No Dick cheese, though. Big dissapointment.

Sabrina said...

The word for all of the above is Smegma

The things we learn from this blog.

Siren of the Farmhouse said...

Hilarious! I agree! TV is pretty much of the devil--I stopped watching about 4 years ago. It sucks out your brain.


Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about the Kerouac/Hepburn deal. The beats were about shocking people and GAP isn't about to shock anyone.

Anonymous said...

Lost fan, eh? I think they may actually address the mystery of the "Others" tonight. Tell us a bit more about their little "community"

Anonymous said...

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SOL's view said...

Long live "egregious rambling". Bloody marvellous. Wonder how long before those 'shants' things turn up here?

cathy_sampson said...

Well this is the first time I've seen another person. I've only ever written before, but I decided to find another person which is a great step. I saw that you like birds, that is sure great. It is real amazing that they fly and that man would give millons to be able to have that freedom and such. The closest I can get is a kite, which isn't too bad because it wastes a lot of time to make them and I like that. You can choose whatever colors you want and to make it even prettier you just attach a llittle yarn to the end and put a few boys down the yarn and that will flutter left and right the second it takes up in the sky. If only everything were that pretty, but that will be America's Greatest Challenge, in the end-i have no doubt we'll gigure it out and make the best of it.

Good Lucky,
Cathy Sampson

Cute Indian Girl said...

Congratulation on Being the "Blog of Note"

You deserve it! Keep up the Good work.

Can I add your blog to my site?

I blog on Every Day Space and
Work At Home.

birdmonster said...

Anon: LOST was epic. Loved the Levitt Town suburbs they were hanging out in when the plane nosedived. Also, I hate Jack. A lot.

SV: Pray they don't. Unless you're capable of laughing mercilessly at idiots and enjoying it. Then: pray they do.

Cathy Sampson: I'm moderately confused. I must confess. However, kites I can get behind. And birds. Less so: airplanes. Jury's still out on frisbees.

Cute Indian Girl: By all means. Link away. I'll be visiting you as soon as my boss vacates the vacinity.

Sabrina said...

I got sucked into watching!!!!

My boyfriend is hooked, he sent the below from a forum to annoy me. I caught myself humming downtown on the way to work this morning..
Juliette seems to me to be an Other who might not completely agree with what they are doing. The crying at the beginning of the episode. And at the end, how she looked at and talked to Ben when he congratulated her on doing a good job. I wouldn't be surprised if in a future episode Juliette ends up being sympathetic toward the Losties and helping them in some way, much like Rouseau's daughter Alex was with Claire.

You may be right. Juliette talks about how she thought "free will" still exists when the guy brought up the fact that Ben wouldn't like the book she selected for the book club.

Also, it's probably nothing, but did anyone else notice that the CD case Juliette pulled out at the beginning was Talking Heads/Speaking in Tongues, yet the music was Petula Clark's Downtown?

Higgity Heitner said...

Do I really have to be the one to say that I shan't be buying shants anywhere? There, I said it. Somebody had to.

dicconzane said...

I'll second the non shant buying.


birdmonster said...

Heitner: I"m embarrased to have not included that joke within the above missive. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant idea: extra-high turtlebneck wifebeater and shant as merch for the next CD. Sweet.