Friday, October 06, 2006

Regarding Halloween

After a long, loud evening, where we had our best practice in months* followed by a fantastic show put on courtesy of the Ex-Boyfriends & Boundstems wherein I rode an unfortunate booze parabola (beer, sangria, whiskey, sangria, beer), the last thing I wanted in the morning are festive people. Festive people bother me when I feel like this. What with all that smiling and shaking your shoulders and reminding you that you "don't look so good" this morning. Yes. Yes, I'm aware of that. It'd be best if you just shut your trap.

But then, walking past the festive person's desk, something far worse happens. A witch screams. Wait, no. Witches cackle. So let me amend: A witch cackles. A plastic, battery-powered witch the size of the fist I want to crush it with cackles. And then I notice the cotton cobwebs and sequined bat-things and all the other cheesy trappings of suburban Halloween except it's in my office not at old man McGruggin's house. Color me unhappy.

See, I love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday of the year, despite the pang of guilt I just received from saying that (thanks Catholic upbringing). I just don't like seeing it sullied by low-rent tackiness. Paper Jackolanterns? Nah. I want to smell all the pumpkinny goodness. Rubber spider? My lame-alarm is positively erupting. That plastic skull? Sorry. Wouldn't even allow it onstage for a kindergarten production of Hamlet (which, come to think of it, really needs to happen. I want hear a six year old say "There has been much throwing about of brains"). Let's not do the Halloween what we did to Christmas.

With this in mind, we need to talk about costumes. We need standards. We need less pirates. And yes, before you point it out, I know I'm taking this far too seriously. True. But like everything I do, it's for the good of the children. I'm like John Walsh and UNICEF with a bad beard, wearing Gymboree short pants.

So: costumes. As far as I can tell, there's really only one rule: no half-assing. If you're going to dress up as a clown, you can't just throw on a rainbow afro and call it a day. You need hammer pants and big shoes and to show up in my illogical nightmares.**

Of course, creativity counts too. I once saw a pair of women who dressed as "Miss Conception" and "Miss Fortune." Miss Conception had a dress that was a diaphram, a hat that was a condom, and shoes that were sponges. Miss Fortune, sadly, I don't remember as well, although she had a purse full of, well, misfortunes. You know, like the ones that come in fortune cookies. But instead of something like "You are well liked by your peers" they'd say "Your pet will die soon." Good cheer all round.

Me? I'm Prince, circa Purple Rain. I got the whole get-up too, frilly shirt and non-intimidating mustache included at no extra charge. And this year, we'll all be dressed up in New York at Piano's for a show. Looking forward to it. But I'll be missing home. I'm just getting used to the alarm clock, daily dim sum, and having all my friends in close proximity. Once more though. Unto the breach. All that.


* A funny thing happened at practice. Not Funny ha-ha (which Dave claims is a terrible movie), but odd. We finished setting up the microphones to record and, somehow, everyone just started playing the same thing. Can't explain it. Almost like we were the US Women's Soccer team, menstruating in unison. In 5 minutes we had a song we'd never even played or mulled over or anything. It's lovely when things come together like that.

** Also, ladies: although part of every guy enjoys "slutty cop" and "slutty nun" and "slutty Amway saleswoman," this falls under the category of half assing it. A bra, hot pants, and a badge is pretty slapdash. It's hot slapdash, sure, but, come on. I know you can do better.

25 comments:

Sabrina said...

Now the thought of dressing up is intimidating!

What about those people that turn their porch lights off and leave an empty bowl on the steps with a sign that states "Please only take one" when there was nothing there in the first place.
That's just cheap!

You'll need to share pictures of your costumes.

kasi said...

I too consider Hallowe'en one of my favourite holidays (and I am waiting for the day we actually get it off work). Two years ago I was (pathetic, yes I know) a Vampiress. However, along with my cobwebbed fishnets, skanky vampire costume and dyed black hair, I did go the extra mile by drawing green-coloured veins on my skin and cemented fangs onto my own teeth (which I managed to pry off three days later). This year I've been kicking around the idea of Pippy Longstocking, the strongest girl in the world! However, as the date comes running at me, I'm not sure how committed I want to be to that one. I had the Geisha thought too, but all that make up and fabric might be too much to take for an entire day and evening.
Have a great time being Prince. I'm glad you went with the Purple Rain version, as opposed to "the artist formaly known as" one.

birdmonster said...

Sabrina: Promise there will be pictures everywhere. Or here. Either way.

Kasi: "Hallowe'en" with the apostrophe and all. God bless that. Pippy Longstocking is great if you do it full-bore. Saint Pauli's girl would also be impressive. I always suggest it. No one ever does it. Such is my life: low tragedy.

kasi said...

BM: After checking out the Saint Pauli girl, that is a definite possibility. I'll let you know what my final decision was after the festivities. Thanks for the idea. Cheers!

eat said...

Just bear one thing in mind, whatever you decide to be, avoid dollar store denture adhesive at all costs. It sounds like a good idea, just up until the point you want to pry off those fake redneck teeth and enjoy your West Hollywood mac and cheese. Then comes all the misery in China (assuming they have misery there)...

birdmonster said...

Eat: Fine advice. And yes, there is misery in China. There is also a conspicuous lack of toilets.

Gasoline Hobo said...

i would just like to point out, for the record that The Girl has promised to be the St. Pauli Girl ZOMBIE for Halloween. should this occur, pictures WILL be taken.

that is all.

birdmonster said...

We should have a Hallowe'en picture-off when we return. I could get behind that. Best costume gets a packet of Heidi Gummi Bears. Worst one gets a salt-water enema.

That is all.

Gasoline Hobo said...

so...you're saying that your Prince is going to be a better costume than zombie st. pauli girl?

i think you may not have thought your cunning plan all the way through...

birdmonster said...

My Prince cannot be bested. I feel very strongly about this. The gauntlet, sir, is thrown. Has been thrown. Either way.

In fact, BOTH WAYS.

elvette said...

One year my friend and I went out for Halloween as the Brown twins, Marian and Vivian. All night long these boys in the Castro kept saying, "Hello Marian, hello Vivian. You look so young."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vivian_Brown

birdmonster said...

That's wonderful. I love those ladies. I see 'em on Market Street now and again...actually, it's been a while. You seen 'em lately?

Anonymous said...

Peter Arcuni and Paul Stanley of Kiss (sans makeup): separated at birth?

WALAA said...

wala~ AMAZING. _random comment. x)

elvette said...

Haven't seen the Twins lately. I heard one of them had a hip replacement so they don't get out as much as they used to.

Anonymous said...

on the practice thing, that's awesome. sounds like you formed a comunitas. i'm jealous. and proud. wow. conflicting emotions. odd. or funny (but not ha ha).

Tippfehler said...

found you through "blog of note" link. I find your posts interesting and eclectically varied. Will check back in future.

James said...

www.lookmumtwohands.blog.com

Roxy said...

This is inspiring. I think I might actually do Halloween this year.

Nice. Found this on "Blogs of Note". Will check back.

Anonymous said...

Blogs of note baby!!! way to go!

iwiwag said...

Interesting.

Rachel the Futurist said...

I feel your pain regarding:
a) the hangover-comments
b) Catholic guilt
c) Less Pirate Costumes! We all can't be Johnny Depp! Let it go...

iwiwag said...

Nice blog..... what do u think of this ? --> http://iwiwag.blogspot.com/

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