We could spend today talking about the news. We could spend it dissecting the anti-Semitic tirade of Mel Gibson, pondering the pseudo-stepping-aside of Fidel Castro, or reveling in two and a half decades of MTV. But the newspaper's doing that for you and, hell, I can summarize each of those stories up in fourteen words or less. Respectively: Lunatic Jew-Hater Goes Apescat; Confirms Suspicions He's a Lunatic Jew-Hater. Fidel Takes Leisurely Break; is Unkillable. Thanks for That Dire Straights Video and Road Rules; It's Time to Go Away.
Take that Walter Cronkite.
With an entire news day loquaciously bitch-slapped, we move along to things which are less important but more personal and, quite frankly, way more enjoyable. We speak of freaks and weirdos. Specifically, the freaks and weirdos scattered throughout the country and chronicled in a travel book I received yesterday* called "Eccentric America." For example, the aforementioned Corn Palace is in there, along with various lunatics, odd architectural hot spots (the Salton Sea, for example---which I'm seeing a movie about tomorrow night, and about which Hot Snakes have a really good song), museums of uselessness, festivals of the bizarre, many World's Largest Insert Stupid Item Here, and, really, all manner of preposterous shit. Sadly, "The Thing" is no where to be found, which means either a) it's truly a total waste of time or b) the writer of this travelogue didn't quite have three quarters when she made it there. Odds are, we're looking at a). But we're going. Mark my words.
I tried making a poster for the tour last night, but, upon reaching the scanning phase, it became increasingly obvious that my scanner is in its death throes, so, after exhausting my technical expertise (read: unplugging it, re-plugging it), I perused the book. It's fairly long and I've made only marked headway, but highlights include:
a) Dr. Evermor's Forevertron in Wisconsin. Basically a giant sculpture which the guy who built it swears will one day shoot him into outerspace. Or maybe it constantly shoots him into outerspace. The book's a little unclear here. All I know is: Giant Scrap metal Deathray. Score two points for "Dr." Evermor.
b) Weird Abandoned Biosphere Thingy in Arizona. We've got a four hour drive between Tucson and Phoenix and this puppy is on the way. Apparently, this was a God's honest attempt at a real Biosphere project, but the oxygen ran out or Pauly Shore came and now, it's abandoned. I may never leave.
c) Carhenge! in Nebraska. It's stonehenge, made out of cars. Yep. That's it.
d) The World's Largest Bureau in North Carolina. Where the incredibly stupid and the incredibly awesome collide.
You know, I really can't do this book justice. All's I know is: I will be campaigning for copious detours. And what better excuse is there when you cruise in late to a soundcheck?
"I'm sorry, but we got stuck in the Bread and Puppet Theatre's production of Pericles. Do you guys do DI or mike on the bass amp?"