You know, Patrick, we've always supported you. We were too young to have seen your numerable roles with the Royal Shakespeare Company, but if we were older, man, we would've flown over there. I bet you were an excellent Claudius. We dorked out and watched you on Star Trek for years and years, even helped vote you as People's Sexiest Man back in 1992, although, to be honest, we did far more voting for Cindy Crawford. And that little cameo in Robin Hood: Men in Tights? Priceless. You even got to say "It's good to be the King." Isn't that the height of every actor's career?
Whoa. Ok. I know we're scaring you. But we're fans and you'd do your fans a really big favor, right? See, little do you know, but since about six months ago, you've been our van. I know, it's startling. We gave you a few breaks so you could go off and be Professor Xavier and Great Stag in Bambi 2 (really?), and we begged you, begged you not to do that voice-over on American Dad, but, your agent said it was easy work for good money, so you did it and we let you do it because we thought it would make you happy. I sincerely hope it did. Because it made no one else happy. In fact, it depressed me. Severely. Those episodes forced me to take Zoloft with every meal. For three weeks, I basically just huddled in a corner, shivering and whispering "why Patrick? Why?"
So, come on. Come be our van again. Or, at least, buy us a new one. You've got a lot of money and, well, we don't. We tried driving you home from Forrestville yesterday & you stalled in the middle of an intersection. And after a two month break to boot. It was a little disillusioning. Like when I drove through Armstrong Forrest and realized that's where George Lucas filmed half of the Empire Strikes Back. Yup. Endor is Sonoma County. There goes my suspension of disbelief.
You're at the shop now, Patrick, and I hope the surgery goes alright. We're counting on you for the next couple months. We're gonna need you to pull through. The Patrick Stewart I know and love wouldn't just crap out and die right before his biggest role. He'd sew up his oil pan, solder the hole in his transmission, and give the best goddamn performance of his life. So get to it. I know you got it in you.