Wednesday, August 02, 2006

An open letter to one Sir Patrick Stewart

You know, Patrick, we've always supported you. We were too young to have seen your numerable roles with the Royal Shakespeare Company, but if we were older, man, we would've flown over there. I bet you were an excellent Claudius. We dorked out and watched you on Star Trek for years and years, even helped vote you as People's Sexiest Man back in 1992, although, to be honest, we did far more voting for Cindy Crawford. And that little cameo in Robin Hood: Men in Tights? Priceless. You even got to say "It's good to be the King." Isn't that the height of every actor's career?

Whoa. Ok. I know we're scaring you. But we're fans and you'd do your fans a really big favor, right? See, little do you know, but since about six months ago, you've been our van. I know, it's startling. We gave you a few breaks so you could go off and be Professor Xavier and Great Stag in Bambi 2 (really?), and we begged you, begged you not to do that voice-over on American Dad, but, your agent said it was easy work for good money, so you did it and we let you do it because we thought it would make you happy. I sincerely hope it did. Because it made no one else happy. In fact, it depressed me. Severely. Those episodes forced me to take Zoloft with every meal. For three weeks, I basically just huddled in a corner, shivering and whispering "why Patrick? Why?"

So, come on. Come be our van again. Or, at least, buy us a new one. You've got a lot of money and, well, we don't. We tried driving you home from Forrestville yesterday & you stalled in the middle of an intersection. And after a two month break to boot. It was a little disillusioning. Like when I drove through Armstrong Forrest and realized that's where George Lucas filmed half of the Empire Strikes Back. Yup. Endor is Sonoma County. There goes my suspension of disbelief.

You're at the shop now, Patrick, and I hope the surgery goes alright. We're counting on you for the next couple months. We're gonna need you to pull through. The Patrick Stewart I know and love wouldn't just crap out and die right before his biggest role. He'd sew up his oil pan, solder the hole in his transmission, and give the best goddamn performance of his life. So get to it. I know you got it in you.

14 comments:

maureen said...

I think you mean Return of the Jedi fool. Are you sure it was filmed there?

birdmonster said...

(Insert weeping emoticon here). Drat. Must proof-read. And nerd-cross-check.

And yes. Lucas was a Bay Area boy. Supposedly, he got the idea for those snow-walking machines from those things out in the Bay when you drive across the Bay Bridge.

Bay.

jeffro said...

make it so!

maureen said...

I know he's a local but I've been to Armstrong and it didn't look like Endor. Not enough ferns. No ewoks either.

birdmonster said...

Jeffro: Well done sir. We would have also accepted "Engage!" but our friend Gasoline Hobo beat us to this months ago. Calling us Number One would have been either a) patronizing, b) pleasantly welcome, or c) sadly evocative of someone having urinated upon us.

Mo: That's what a little birdie named Zach told me. I've been unable to confirm this however. I know a good deal was filmed in that neck of the woods (pun intended).

jeffro said...

the lamb is on the way, with mint jelly, i might add - and earl gray tea. hot.

birdmonster said...

Thanks Jeffro. Hope you used some cillantro on that. I mean, otherwise, all bets are off.

Sabrina said...

Patrick Stewart is probably the only Bald man that I find to be sexy & no I did not vote in 1992 Not sure if it's the whole captain thing or the accent. I shutter to think I'm that cheesy! Maybe it's that he had more class than Captain Kirk. Shatner was so out of shape towards to end of his tenure. Pouring himself into those outfits and all those insinuations of seduction with every women and/or alien was sickening!
I wish your Patrick the best recovery.

birdmonster said...

Sabrina: He does have the one of the best voices ever. Unlike Kirk. Who. Really. Just Put. Too many. Periods. In. Every. Sentence. He. Said.

Thanks for the well wishes too.

Gasoline Hobo said...

you need to remind me to do my william shatner impression for you. it's completely stupid and underwhelming.

also, i appears that you got "served" re: Endor. i always wondered what would happen if someone dropped a bunch of Ewoks on Hoth. my guess is furry popsicles, or perhaps kebab of some kind.

birdmonster said...

I hate getting served. Unless it's a nice pork bun. Then I enjoy it.

I am an omnivore. That said, I would eat a fried Ewok, but probably not an Ewoksicle.

Dahlgren's Daddy said...

I saw Patrick Stewart in the 1975 production of The Royal Shakespeare's Company version of "Sherlock Holmes." He pplayed Moriarty.

You we're pulling for Holmes to die!

birdmonster said...

DD: I need to see that. And that LaCarre bit where he doesn't talk for 15 minutes but supposedly rules the school, according to thee.

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