Tuesday, August 26, 2008

An Open Letter To Two American Heroes

Dear Twenty-Something Couple That Sat Next To Us During "The Dark Knight,"

Hey there. That's a really nice shirt. I love Big Dogs too. I'm partial to the one that says "While you were reading this...I farted!!!" but yours is pretty fresh. Keep doing what you do.

Except this one thing. See, I think it's great that you and your wife came out to see Christian Bale clobber henchman-face with his bat-fists and I think you made the right choice seeing it in IMAX. I mean, listen to that sound quality! It's like Batman is driving in my frontal lobe. And, really, what's more American than a 900 foot screen? That's right: a 1300 foot screen. But seriously: great choice. I'm here and I think I'm pretty smart.

But you know what? You shouldn't have brought the eight month old baby. I mean, you really should have thought this one through. You know this isn't Wall-E right? I mean, I hear this thing is mega-violent. And exceedingly creepy. I saw a man with a facial scar in Army fatigues weeping when he left the last showing. But look: I don't want to tell you how to raise your kid. Not my place. I know after this, you and the wifey are taking your baby to "Disemboweler Three: Return of the Mellon-Baller," but I just wanted to say my piece. I don't think this is a good idea.

Right, right. You disagree. And that's fine. But your baby's crying. Don't leave the theatre though, whatever you do. I mean, I'm sure whatever he's crying about has nothing to do with the homicidal, knife-wielding clown. Kids love clowns, after all. Just sit right there and give him a bottle. That should take care of everything. That's how Batman kills the Joker anyhow: warm milk bath. It's unstoppable.

Still crying huh? Well, don't worry about it. It's only the climax. Sure, everyone else in the theatre paid fifteen bucks for the ticket alone but you watching this veritable horror film with a hysterical baby definitely trumps the wants of needs of hundreds of your neighbors. How could we be so selfish? What sort of parents don't take their screaming infants to violent spectacles? We should take away their kids, neglectful monsters that they are. I hope you're staying for the Mirrors double-feature. That looks like a light-hearted romp.

And the lights are coming on. Feel free to throw that can of soda on the ground in front of me. I'd love to step on it for you. Thanks.

Look. Before you leave, I need to say something. I know it's hard being a parent, splitting your time between what you want and what the baby wants, but I think today you guys managed to walk that fine line of healthy compromise. You got to see a brutal action/horror allegory and your baby got some milk. That's what parenting is all about. Never change. I love you.

4 comments:

Katie said...

I, as a lesser person, may have smacked that baby. It was already crying anyway.

I hope you still enjoyed the movie...

SOL's view said...

Oh, oh, oh! I CAN'T STAND babies at the movies. Along with a whole lotta other things mind. Like chatty people on mobile phones, or the bloke behind you telling his mate what happens next...

They should have got a sitter, or some theatres here offer sessions for parents with babies.

Dunno what you would get to see or hear. A sea of babies and a veritable cacophony of sound. But not the movie.

Maybe you should have given the kid the soda. And left them with the sugar overload...

birdmonster said...

Katie: Baby smacking? I admire your hands on attitude. I promise to write you in prison.

SOL: Giving the baby soda is inspired vengeance. I'd spike it with coffee, just for thoroughness's sake.

Thankfully, the incredible loudness of IMAX drowned the baby out. Of course, said baby may grow into a homicidal maniac, but we've got 17 or 18 years before we've got to worry about that. At the earliest.

JaniceO said...

Don't be too sure about that, may only be 8-9 years from now! (8 yr old shot/killed his father last fall) What a totally lame and selfish thing for a parent to do, taking their baby to "The Dark Knight" (which was creepy/horrific enough seen on cable TV). "Wanna see a magic trick? I'll make this pen disappear."

Hopefully the baby won't have any memory of the experience, as it's been speculated that memory is associated with being able to verbalize thoughts and concepts, because most people don't seem to have clear memories of life before 18 months - 2 years old...