Wednesday, July 23, 2008

A new website in a new location and the reasons why

Back in the halcyon days of California, after James Marshall Eureka-ed a hunk of gold near Sutter's Mill, miners, adventurers, and brigands from all points of America flocked to our great state, knowing full well that money did not grow on trees but rather in the ground. The first of these men were called "Forty-Niners," after the date 1849, and, in addition to providing the namesake for a now horrendous football team, their mining claim practices became the basis for U.S. law. Essentially, any public domain land---that is, any land unclaimed by the government of the United States for an expressed purpose---was up for grabs.

Scraggly weirdos came in droves. Among them was the infamous "Emperor" Norton, a man who inherited ridiculous sums of money from his father, and, unlike modern day trustafarians, decided to go completely bat-shit instead of taking bong rips and wondering why people still go to McDonald's. James "Grizzly" Adams also showed up, a man who kept bears as pets, a man who wrestled with his pet bears, and a man who learned why men aren't supposed to wrestle bears when one bear-slapped his face and left his brain exposed. Seriously.


But the majority of immigrants were adventuresome everymen, hoping that the streams and dirt of California hid their fortune. They took advantage of the first come, first served land laws, chose their claims, and started mining. Of course, there were men of questionable valor who simply saw something they fancied and stole lands already parceled out to more steadfast folk. They were called claim jumpers. They were dicks.

Now, thinking back to the early days of this thing we call the Internet, there are certainly parallels to the California Gold Rush. An entity of largely untapped potential, promising massive riches and a new way of a life, the internet began in a remarkably similar way. Largely lawless, domain names were given away to whoever thought to claim them first. Dweebs, techies, and masturbators from all points of America flocked to this great internet, knowing full well that money did not grow on trees, but rather on "sex.com." These pioneers, not unlike Samuel Brannan before them, got the good land.

Of course, to continue our analogy, there were a disreputable sort of technological claim jumpers known as domain poachers. They purchased domain names which they had no interest in using, praying that companies, entrepreneurs, and every day people would one day want and, naturally, pay a handsome sum for. Later, when smart companies had purchased or sued for their domain names, these modern day claim jumpers began to pursue a different tact, known as "cybersquatting" or "domain hijacking." Essentially, these horrible dicks loophole lovers waited for domain names to expire, purchased them as soon as technologically possible, then demanded exorbitant compensation to give back what was rightly somebody else's.

Which brings us to "birdmonster.com"

See, we lost it. We lost it because we didn't re-register our domain properly and for that, we except blame, scorn, and sadness. But we wouldn't have lost it were it not for DomCollect Worldwide Intellectual Properties, who purchased birdmonster.com in hopes of, well, extorting the living shit out of us. May they all get hepatitis and die.

Yes, thanks to DomCollect, we are homeless. We went to store for a baguette and some brie and came back to a squatter, mocking us in our own home. These man-vulture hybrids now own birdmonster.com, want $6,000 for it, and are the object of my unending vitriol and slander (or is it libel? I can never remember. It's like the stalactite/stalagmite of hate speech). May they all get syphilis and die.

Which brings us, sadly but yet triumphantly to our brand-spanking-new-fuck-you-very-much-DomCollect-Worldwide-Intellectual-Properties website over at www.birdmonsterMUSIC.com. Adjust your bookmarks accordingly. Do not go to birdmonster.com and click any of their godforsaken links about jobs in the Bay Area, Phoenix Birds as pets, Large Gorgeous Aviaries, or Cryptozoology. Instead, come to our new website, which is newly snazzy, updated, and fancified for a new age when Birdmonster will properly register their names with the proper authorities and never get cornholed by soulless European squatters ever again.

And if you're from DomCollect, let me know how that STD is going. My hope: poorly.

7 comments:

birdmonster said...

For the record, the RSS feeds on the new site will be working tomorrow. So if you're one of those people, you'll have to wait 24 hours before using them. Not my funniest comment ever, but I thought you should know.

brn said...

My most recent visit to birdmonster.com (had to do it after hearing about the news)--found the "sponsored links" all pointed back to you guys:

Birdmonster Radio-Free
Listen to Birdmonster-Free Free Unlimited Listening!
www.pandora.com

Birdmonster vinyl E.P.
Indie Rock Band Birdmonster Available only from Agent Records
www.agentrecords.com

Victory? Maybe. Alternatively, you could get all your fans to sign them up to every junk email list they can. Surely not professional, nor will "open up the negotiation" but it will sure feel cathartic. Unfortunately, no email address listed on their site...

elvette said...

Six grand. Do they think you're cheap hookers or something?

SOL's view said...

Yes, a thousand years of syphillis and similar on DomCollect and all their ilk. Not that I have a domain name I need/want/am thinking about registering.

But I liked the sound of it...

Anonymous said...

Yeah these motherfookers "stole" domain name too. Hope that their kids get run over by a bus.

JaniceO said...

ah.. so that's what happened to the "birdmonster.com" domain - as a newbie to this blog (and reading it backwards from newest to oldest), I first saw/heard you playing a week ago Friday at UCBerkeley, then found the old domain as well as the current one on the 'Net and thought that the domain name was intentionally updated to clarify what "birdmonster" is about.

Despicable, domain squatters are. My sympathies.

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