Wednesday, March 21, 2007

In which Birdmonster waxes uneloquently on music, film, and the best actor you never knew was one

I knew that after four days of egregious loudness, barhopping, and band overload, I'd probably forget a few dozen important happenings. After all, South By is overwhelming and Chic-Fil-A isn't necessarily brain-food. Sure, I got to make fun of Sisqo, but really, that's like shooting fish in a barrel, although I've never understood why anyone would want to shoot fish in the first place. So, without further ado, a few items from SXSW, Dallas, and Oklahoma in the form of a lazy list, since, not unlike Chic-Fil-A, the twelve-noon Oklahoma buffet isn't brain-food either. In fact: much more like getting chopped in the neck by Jet Li.

- Since our van got Arizona-ed, we've (occasionally) needed to start the van with two people, one turning the key while the other guy pulls blindly at a battery cable until the connection works the way it was meant to. Now, I'm as big a fan of the jerry-rig as the next guy---I'd trust a kidney surgeon with duct tape on his belt---but I was a bit worried about traveling nine thousand miles with my fingers crossed. Of course, we're in a back alley in Austin and the inevitable happened: the Donald, she wouldn't start. So we began pushing her to a street wide enough for a tow-truck, canceling our dinner plans, and spewing invective at an uncaring God. And then: salvation. This shaggy blonde guy from the band Birds of Avalon came over, and, with a Leatherman and a flashlight, had us up and running in forty seconds. Hugs were exchanged, plans were uncanceled, expletive-filled anti-prayers were rescinded. The moral? Pathetic whining to God above works wonders. Also: Birds of Avalon are awesome. Buy all their CDs.

- I know that most people would rather watch Citizen Cane than Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid and I have but one thing to say to all those people: you silly bastards. Even without Jon Voight's unimpeachably perfect Cuban accent, Anaconda 2 is a just more enjoyable proposition than watching Orson Wells brood for a couple hours. In other words: I simply prefer a bad movie to a good one. So it was with supreme pleasure that, while snuggling up on a couch after a couple Lone Stars and a night of bowling (also known as Heaven), that I came across Showdown. You know Billy Blanks, of Tae Bo fame? Yeah. He's got a starring role. Even better than that, his character's name is Billy. Even better than that, he's played a "Billy" in at least three other movies, perhaps proving he's incapable of responding to any name other than his own. Of course, I'd never make fun of Billy Blanks since he could break me by farting. Just know that Showdown is a very special film, sure to take it's rightful place near Gymkata, Torque, and that movie where Anna Nicole Smith (God rest her soul) kicks a bunch of terrorist ass, irregardless of the fact all the terrorists look like male porn actors and, in fact, almost certainly are.

- Kansas is goddamn windy. Pretty sure I just saw Glenda getting chased by some flying monkeys. Pretty sure that joke wasn't that funny.

- Oklahoma was goddamn windy as well. We played there last night to a crowd of...nearly a dozen. We did see the world famous Oklahoma College of Horseshoeing on our drive. I'm sending all my kids there. To the Ph.D. program, of course. A B.A. in Horseshoe-ery just doesn't go as far as it once did.

- We're heading to Minnesota tonight, home of Prince, Husker Du, and a whole bunch of other phenomenally respected artists I don't know half as much about as I should, although I have been Prince for three straight Halloweens. If I decide to grow an epic mustache, I'll be Bob Mould next year, just to even things out. Minneapolis is always one of our favorite places to tour, and, you know, I don't say that about everywhere we play (ahem, Cleveland). We're doing an early morning set on the Current, one of those rare FM stations I mentioned last post, a station who's playlist has never seen a Hoobastank, a station that plays Ice Cube right after Ryan Adams right before Nancy Sinatra, and, well, who plays Birdmonster. I'm imminently bribe-able, you know. Before we actually play, I'll provide a link for everyone. We're not sure what we're going to end up playing, but we'd love it if you joined us.

- That's it. Go rent Showdown and then send us some flowers.


Sabrina said...

You guys have got to be the worst manly men ever. *but your still my favorite local band.

I say buy a Donald Manual and get your hands dirty. What is the year, make & model of the Donald? Picturing you guys stranded is so sad!

Best of luck with her starting smoothly and getting home in time for the Independent Show! oh and so you guys don;t miss any meals....

Meredith said...

I haven't been reading your blog for very long, but I am capitivated by your writing style. Except, "irregardless" isn't a word, and I think you meant Glinda (the good witch) in your reference to the Wizard of Oz.

Glad to hear you're in Minneapolis and that you love it so. I'm a Minnesota lifer, although I'm from the St. Paul end of things. Your reference to to Prince took me back to the countless nights I spent at First Avenue in the early '80s, which was also a frequent hang-out of Prince. I saw the little dickens there on several occasions. And he is a very little dickens, which is not to take away from his immeasurable talent.

So now you can calculate that I am probably old enough to be your mother, I wish you a happy tour, and enjoy your time in our fair city. (Yikes. Did I actually say "fair city?")

Grant said...

I'd send you stuff, but. . . . I'm glad it was only a loose battery connection. Do each of you have your own AAA memberships? Maybe you should join AZAAA too.

Does anyone watch Citizen Kane unless they have to? It never was a box office hit. My goal was to make it through film school without seeing it which I would have done except for a cute girl (with a boyfriend of course) who flirted me into helping her project it for the film history class we were TA'ing. CK is a great movie, but it's not exactly fun.

orca said...

One time in Tahoe, our car was broken down and me, Kelby and Dumb Joe were just looking at the engine as if we had the ability to even name a single part of it. Kelby said "I am able to answer 'yes or no' questions about whether the car is working, but that's it." That remains one of the funniest lines I've ever heard in my life.

Well I guess you had to be there.

bluebird said...

i have to agree with grant. anyone who lists citizen kane as their favorite movie is a liar and should be told so to there face (it was however a groundbreaking film, and as such it obviously deserves respect).

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