Monday, March 05, 2007

The end of a long and tolerable relationship

You know that saying: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth? That's how I've treated my on-again, off-again, quasi-job, which involves, to my chagrin, a headset, Barbara Streisand tickets, and the need to leave one's dignity and grace in the elevator. Sure, I could easily complain about the place (no stimulation, incredibly monotonous, the vague smell of cheese in the ventilation), but they let me come and go as I please and that, at the very least, is a lauditory attribute. Without this place, I'd probably be outside your office with a broken banjo, overalls, and my best busking cup, singing songs like "Phillip the Bucket" and "That Cup Don't Fill Itself."

And, of course, it could always be worse. Elsewhere in my building, there's actually a company that sells cubicles. I talked with a fairly resigned young lady who worked there this morning and, well, I think there's something about selling cubicles while sitting in a cubicle that would make my brain explode.

Like I said: I've tried not to look this horse in the mouth. We're warned against doing this because, even if his teeth are yellowed, browned, or blackened and protude outwards: free horse. It's just that today, sitting here, taking advantage of the situation for two days of quick money before leaving Wednesday, I know deep down that it's probably it. The horse is dead. Times like these, I wish I was French. Then, at least, I'd have an interesting game plan for dinner.

My on-again, off-again, quasi-boss told me before we left for the desert that, sadly, he no longer had control of my fate here. The powers that be became the powers that no longer were and the new powers that be don't seem to look that kindly on someone who shows up when he pleases, makes his rent money, then vanishes for weeks at a time to spend his evenings in dingy pubs. Who could blame them, really? I'd fire me. Not without a sizable severence package, but I'd fire me.

So I'm treating today and tomorrow like they are the end. We're leaving for another national tour on Wednesday and until then (dates to the right), I'm going to squeeze a couple more nickels out of this place. When we get back, well, who knows? I've had about a thousand jobs and as long as I'm not selling cubicles from a cubicle, everything will be a-okay. Hell, once I carted killer whale semen across San Diego to ensure the health of the orca population at Sea World. You know that looks good on a resume.

14 comments:

Oscar said...

I just wanted to thank you for carting that semen around. For you see, I was born from that very semen at Sea World!

Sincerely,
Oscar the Orca

P.S. You guys rock!

birdmonster said...

Oscar: It's good to see that floating mammals are finally using the internet. Please begin a blog about how much you hate dolphins.

oscar said...

Whales no longer hate dolphins. We used to, as evidenced by the great sea wars, which you humans prolly know little about but which pitted orca and dolphin, fin against fin, in a decades long battle. Eventually, we had to come together to fight humans who were polluting the water, and in doing so we learned how similar we really are. When we defeated the human polluters, we had a great celebration and now we are the best of friends. This heartwarming story is being turned into a hit pixar movie.

Grant said...

Dude, that sucks about the job! I wish I could meet you in Austin. Or see you in San Diego on Wed. I heard rumors of totally affordable $200 rt tickets, OAK-AUS. My job is interfering with my life way too much these days. See you guys next month, maybe. ;-)

birdmonster said...

Oscar: That IS heartwarming. However, let me point out that the human polluters are winning. If you need help cutting you out of that six-pack plastic thing around your head, lemme know.

Grant: Yeah. It may or may not come to pass. Jobs: overrated. Austin: you should come.

Sabrina said...

oh no! Well you can always set up a blanket and cup at the BART station (you can be a 1 man band and tie instruments to your feet etc.), become a scalper at local venues (though this seems dangerous,have you seen some of those guys?)and if all else fails there is always prostitution.
So really no worries, you have many options!

elvette said...

Which is worse selling cubicles out of a cubicle, or selling headsets from a headset?

On a brighter note, as an inhabitant of the hinterlands I'm so excited about the upcoming tour I'm bad coffee bouncing in my chair. X's are on the calendar.

brett said...

you spelled laudatory wrong. and i think you were going for laudable anyways.

birdmonster said...

Elvette: Hopefully they let us in. I hear you can bribe the guards with maple syrup, but that's probably a stereotype. Either way, I've got six kegs of Aunt Jemima waiting in Vermont.

Brett: I hate you.

SOL's view said...

Well, apart from the not knowing where the next dollar is coming from, I could handle 'job free'. Ugh, cubicles from a cubicle. Glad I don't do sales.....

french toast snob said...

Aunt Jemima is NOT maple syrup!

birdmonster said...

SOL: I concur. That whole next dollar thing is overrated. Also overrated: shelter. Palatable water.

FTS: You're right, you're right. But that's really the only syrup I know by name. By the way, I choose "sir up" not "sear up." I think you'll agree.

Grant said...

Sleeping indoors, eating hot food, and drinking potable water are over-rated? Oh, to be young and idealistic again! If I didn't suck at thinking ahead, I could have gone to Austin. Technically, you still owe me an email, but it's moot since you're leaving for a month. ;-)

bluebird said...

as much as it sucks to have to find a new job, there's something deliciously liberating about leaving one behind. have fun on tour.