Thursday, December 21, 2006

There's nothing to worry about. Step away from the Asian-fusion cuisine.

Earthquakes are like avocados. Well, not really. But bear with me for a second. The thing about earthquakes and avocados is that most non-Californians I meet fear them both without much of a reason. Our singer, Peter, is Connecticut Yankee (yes, sometimes he wears a hat which has three corners (three corners has his hat)) and insists that the kitchen remove all traces of avocado from sandwiches which, really, should be covered in the stuff. Now, Arizonans & Texans seem alright with avocado too (it's a proximity-to-Mexico thing) but beyond that, I can't think of another population that enjoys avocado pretty much across the board. Vegans, maybe, but they don't eat cheese which I feel should disqualify them from all culinary arguments. Sorry guys. Here's a box of Kashi to suck on for a few minutes till we're done.

Non-Californians also fear the earthquake. And, to be honest, so do most Californians. San Francisco itself was demolished by one in 1906, though the fires afterwards did most of the damage, but, then again, the fire department would have had way more success had the quake not broken all the water lines. Plus, most of the houses here have already survived one decent quake (in '89 during the Giants-A's World Series no less) and they're all a little slanted because of it. You could go sledding in some of the kitchens I've visited which doesn't necessarily fill you with a feeling of comfort and safety. So you make a safety kit, fill it with water, canned food, a couple books for when your legs are crushed under a collapsed roof but you're incredibly bored anyway, and you just hope that there aren't any major tectonic shifts. If there are? Well, I try not to think about that.

But then again, some earthquakes are just...weiners. Like last night's for example. We were practicing at our studio and we played right through it. I didn't even know one occurred until I got home and my roomies asked "did you feel it?" which, essentially, is universal code for "we had a really wimpy earthquake" but allowed me to say something like "no, we were rocking too hard to care about the earth moving" and then throw up the pinky-and-index-finger-all-hail-metal-thing and make a total boob out of myself.

Of course, our newscasters were breaking into horrible game shows and promising "damage reports" which consisted, I'd guess, of a few old ladies dropping their tea glasses out of moderate surprise and then continuing their Bid Whist tournament.

So what lessons did we learn last night? Well, it was a reminder to check our 72-hour survival kit (which I of course didn't do) and to eat an avocado every day. If you're going to live in the Bay Area, you might as well enjoy it. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And your house collapsing. And poisonous guacamole. But that goes without saying.


Gasoline Hobo said...

yeah, i've been through my share of wussy earthquakes. those are the ones that feel like a truck going by, or maybe someone dropping a bunch of bowling balls on your stoop.

and down here in the LA area, the damage reports usually come from the high desert, where the shelves are apparently very flimsy and dump their load of campbell soup cans if you look at them sideways.

i think it's always the same guy with a mop that they show cleaning it up, too. he looks sad. sad and tired.

also: i don't know ANYONE who has an earthquake preparedness kit...

birdmonster said...

Hobo: Shockingly, we do. I did not make this. The Girl done made it. I think she even included a small bottle of Maker's Mark. Because, hey, if my city is being ravaged by anarchy, aftershocks, and looting, I want to be blotto.

Good imagery with the wimp-earthquake. Everyone in my house compared this one to a large door slamming. Mother Nature, apparently, is taking her wuss pills.

SOL's view said...

Didn't the Jacksons do a song about a wussy earthquake? No, wait..... that was about disco, wasn't it?

Higgity Heitner said...

I've got to rep New Mexico and say that we definitely enjoy a good avacado, especially guacamole. Obviously your proximity-to-Mexico rule still applies.