Thursday, November 16, 2006

Call the Pulitzer Committee. Call them now.

I'm thinking of writing a book. Something topical, something marketable, something that, given the idea, has to be written, edited, and published in about a week and a half. Like Bridges Over Madison County, say. (Written in three days, you know. Sad but true).

My book will bring America together. My book will be all the rage. My book will be on the best-seller list for longer than "Dark Side of the Moon" was on Billboard. My book will speak to people of all ages, sexes, and flavors. My book will get me interviews on morning-time talk shows with vacant bobble-heads and night-time talk shows with suspendered hunchbacks. My book will make you laugh, it will make you cry, it will make you wish you wrote it. My book will be called: "If I Kicked O.J. in the Crotch."

See, we all want to kick O.J. in the crotch. People who think he did it (we call those people "sane") hate the fact he paid for his freedom and didn't even get rid of the slice on his 5 Iron. People who think he didn't do it have to be pretty flabbergasted that he's writing books which "hypothetically" examine what he would have done, had he done it, which of course, he didn't.

I have to repeat this: my book will bring America together. Because, if you'll recall, the whole O.J. debacle highlighted some serious issues in our country: racism, justice for the elite, the Naked Gun trilogy. It reminded us about the sometimes-ignored chasms of inequality. Now? We're all equal; we are united in our collective desire to deliver a swift kick to O.J.'s groin. And I don't think that a historic moment like this can be glossed over. Can you think of another time that we, as Americans, were so united in a common goal? World War II? Not by a mile. The strange, unnameable desire to try Crystal Pepsi? Warmer, but not quite. Communal schadenfreude at the expense of Kevin Federline? Closer still. But not close enough.

So, let's give the man his due. After effectively rending our country in two, he's returned, a decade later, to unify us. And, like the saying goes: United we stand; divided we fall. Or, united we kick O.J.'s crotch, divided we....do something else. And that's the moral today. Love thy neighbor. Unless thy neighbor lives in Brentwood.

10 comments:

Sabrina said...

The man is a SCUMBAG! You hold him down I'll do the kicking. How can people make money off of taking another life. There is something seriously wrong with this world! The sad thing is that people will buy this crap and line this SCUMBAG's pockets.

elvette said...

So disappointed. I thought you were serious about writing a book.

Anonymous said...

elvette: i'll second that.

birdmonster said...

Sabrina: Yes. Your ire proves my point. EVERYONE hates O.J. It's an accomplishment, somehow. A highly dubious one, of course.

Elvette & Anon: I'll take that as a really kind comment. Thanks.

Cherry said...

You never really hear about what happened to OJ's kids. I would think that they would be pretty messed up.
I feel bad for them.

Sabrina said...

Our system just sucks that's all. I honetly don't think he personally killed her, but was the instigating factor in her death.

Ditto about feeling bad for the kids. They have to go through life w/o a mother.

Having the balls to write an IF I did, I would have book, just shows how callous he is.

HATE is a strong word. I wouldn't say hate but SCUMBAG fits ok...

birdmonster said...

Wait. You don't think he killed them?! There was blood all over his house and his car, right? We don't need to have a decade-old argument, but in my mind there is actually a zero percent chance he's not guilty as sin.

And yeah, his kids: not so happy.

"What does your dad do?"

"He holds the NFL record for most yards in a season. Oh, and also: killed my Mom and got away with it."

I hope someone's looking out for them and that that someone has nothing to do with the Juice.

elvette said...

A little while back OJ got into it with his daughter and the 911 call was all over the tabloids...

Sabrina said...

I'm not saying he's not guilty. Just saying he may have been standing there watching it happen as opposed to getting his own hands dirty. He's still guilty either way you look at it. I won't be buying his book!

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