Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Things I learned on tour

-If your cell phone gets left in the back of a taxi, cancel it immediately. Because all cabbies will innevitably sign up for a daily Teen Horoscope text messaging service and copious Justin Timberlake related ringtones that will end up costing you what should have been your rent check.

-Never eat Chinese food in Canada. Unless, of course, you're constipated.

-To life's simple pleasures, such as breakfast in bed and putting on pants right out of the dryer, I'd like to add shampooing a beard. Bonus points because a shampooed mustache is right under your nose, so you have a built in air freshener for places like Cleveland, the manure fields of central California, and alleys filled with copulating bums.

-They don't make Chuck Taylors like they used to. Unless you enjoy duct tape mocassins, sell your Converse stocks. Now.

-When you buy 17 movies for 17 dollars, well, you just bought 17 movies for 17 dollars. Or, alternatively: When "Alligator II: the Mutation" is the best movie you got, it's possible that you got ripped off. And, no matter what anyone tells you to the contrary, promise me you'll never watch "Cheerleader Ninjas" or "Killer Tongue."

-There are more Subway franchises in the continental United States than there are people in Montana. At least 3 of them will not kill you. I cannot speak for the other hundred and twenty thousand.

-Never take a two thousand dollar van on an eleven thousand mile journey. It will end badly.

-Do not trespass in seemingly harmless construction sites in towns that seem a bit down on their luck. You will likely find yourself in a prison jumpsuit that's three sizes too big, being pointed at by a 6'5" tattooed behemoth, who will say, quite astutely, "Some people don't belong in prison. Like that motherfucker. He don't belong in prison."

-Just because a state is hopelessly conservative doesn't mean you won't have a really fabulous time there. Conversely, just because a state is politically aware doesn't mean they won't, say, throw you in jail, extort you at check out time, or be filled with drunks that say "bro" too much. In other words, there are good people everywhere, but the pricks are there too. Ignore the later, if at all possible. Since it rarely is, go for the throat, the knees, or the crotch.

-Things like Mount Rushmore and Niagra Falls are famous for a reason. Stop by.

-Always put the cap back on the toothpaste. Unless you enjoy minty, gooey pants.

-If you're using Yahoo Maps to get somewhere, it's best to just close your eyes, brake erratically, and turn when the muse strikes you. You will arrive at the same time.

-When you've been living in hotels, rest stops, gas stations, and diners, you forget that coffee can actually be filled with caffiene. It's best to remember that before having your third cup on you first day home. Twitching in the corner has always been highly overrated.

-Pay attention to signs. You never know when a "God made dirt; Dirt don't hurt" will change your life forever.

-Always come home. Although surreal at first, home is the best part of every trip. I missed you, San Francisco.


teenqueen said...

hey,love your blog its should go on my blog sometime :) catch ya later x x

kasi said...

I've enjoyed this quite immensly. Thanks for starting my day with some laughter.

birdmonster said...

Thanks & you're welcome, both. My bad began with running after a bus, missing it, forgetting my cigarettes at home, and staring at the street in righteous anger. You win.

Tor said...

You think the Chinese food in Canada is bad, try what they sell in Germany. It's unreal. It's one case where you won't feel hungry an hour later.

Jerome said...

Drop in for an open intellectual forum at and email me at is you wish to become a member